A conversation with myself

*

Why do I have to think so much before engaging in a simple conversation every time?

No one hates you Alex. They see you for the first time like how you see them for the first time.

No, that's not true. They don't like approaching me because of how I act, how I dress, or how I may seem to them.

Why would anyone think that way? They'll just think you're not sociable and quiet and not approachable when you don't interact as much as you're required to.

But you don't know what first impression I may give. What if I really give a bad first impression until people start off with a negative feeling even before they got to know me. What if my attitude is not meant to be liked?

You wouldn't know until you try.

I can't stand rejection. I can't stand having people dislike me or hate me. I can't stand people not talking to me because they don't want to. I rather live with the satisfaction that people aren't talking to me because I am not talking to them.

Try.

What if I TRY TOO HARD. And I end up being annoying? That'll totally suck.

Your thinking problem is pretty extreme huh?

I know, Alex. I know.

*

New semester means meeting new people and people I knew for 5 months but haven't really formed a 'comfortable relationship' with.

Which once again, revived the battle of my self-esteem personalities and countless thoughts.

I'm verging on self-destruction once again.

I want to change. Once and for all.

But it's so tough.


-alexeO-