An apologetic post

I'm sorry I took my life for granted acting like I have the most miserable life ever existed.

I'm sorry I never thought about others who may suffer worst than me or share the same fate but handling it much better than me.

I'm sorry I complain about my life I still have control over when people are laying on a bed 24/7, paralysed one half of the body, or depending on a life support system.

I'm sorry I rant so much, acting as if I need the sympathy, when there are people without limbs, starving to death, or dying of a horrible disease.

I'm sorry I feel sorry for myself, when there are people in this world who lost their loved ones, or suffering from a fatal disease.

I'm sorry for feeling miserable about my unexposed health problems, when there are people who are dying a miserable death as I speak.

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate my life.

I'm sorry for thinking as if my life is the worst of all.

I'm sorry for making people who are in a worser condition feel even worst.

Fortunately, I have not taken any drastic actions with my life. No, not suicide, but things less major but not very minor at the same time.

It's gonna be tough after 18 and a half years, but I'm gonna try anyway. Try looking at a more positive side to every single thing which may happen to my life.

Yes, it sounds corny. Yes, it may be cliche. But I understand it now. Even if I may not embrace it fully as yet, I still understand it at least.

There must be people out there who thought how stupid I was thinking my life is in a wreck when I complain about my inability to socialise comfortably.

I may not be the healthiest, or the most friendly, or the most liked, but at least I know I still have a 'normal' life to live for many years to come.

In case you wonder where I finally woke up from my sleep or apparent 'nightmare', it was all because I noticed the lost of someone yesterday. A man, a husband, a father, a grandfather, an artist, or simply, someone who had a life, like any of us. Yes, he was old, but does that justify the time of his death? I'm sure if he had a choice, he would want to continue living a normal, healthy life. And I'm also sure if noticed what I went through, he would not be happy seeing that how an eighteen going on nineteen teenager is feeling as if his world is in such a mess at such a young age. And no, it's not my grandfather, and there's no need to send any condolences because I'm not overly upset or anything as I am not relatively that close to him eventhough he may be considered as a relative of mine. And I'm not saying all these to gain any sympathy whatsoever. It's also to help anyone out there who may share the same perceptions as I did last time. Cliche, but it's worth repeating and posting in this blog to remind me of how life can be so short and fragile that it looks stupid that I, a boy of 19 yrs, actually felt as if my life was heading nowhere and towards a disappointing end.

Which also made the entire problem I faced last time such as the thoughts of what I would face, the fear of being rejected, embarassed or ignored, feel enormously ridiculous.

No, I'm not justifying that death is the only problem in this world people got the right to complain or moan about. There are other things worth complaining about but definitely not what I faced. If you're wondering why I'm actually feeling all these now when it may have seemed minor to your eyes, it was because it wasn't minor to me. My thinking problem was very much over the top and highly 'over-necessary'.

I'm not saying starting tomorrow I would have zero problems socialising or anything like that. I would definitely still have the same ol' problems but it's just that I'm refreshed to know that there are worst things in this world than that. And hopefully, *prays*, I would be able to cope this problem of mine with this stepping stone.

Does this mean no more complaining post in this blog? I cannot guarantee that. Afterall, I never had a philosophy I keep with throughout my life.

I admit I have doubts over religion, which may be triggering all thse feelings of mine. If I have a religion I have a deep faith in, it would probably mean me being more at peace with myself and not having to think of my downsides.

But there are times, no offense, random thoughts of how religion may be for the weak. Or for people who need something to put their blames on. There's a reason for this, and for that. Do people need to feel better by thinking that their miseries are all because the divine controlling the events of their lives for a reason? When people cannot comprehend why someone who does not 'sin' dies, he or she is just being brought closer to the divine? Thus, religion?

I don't know. But when I start 'imagining' that if this world truly has someone up there watching over me, having reasons for several problems I may face, all I know is I definitely feel much, much better. It's sort of something which soothes my soul and comforts me. But will it be wrong if I do not have a 100% deep faith into a particular religion but just 'believe' to make myself better? Then I would be no different from someone looking for something to blame, wouldn't I? As yet, I have not found any reasons whatsoever for me to put my 100% believe in religion. It's comforting, yes, but I would prefer it if I can fully devote my faith towards the so-called divine.

Eventhough it may sound harsh to some, I never intended to question the existence of God. If you are offended, I apologise sincerely.

I want to meet someone who could answer or all my doubts and provide reasonable logical answers to my questions. I don't know who can.

I may be sorry for alot of things but I'm definitely not sorry for one personality of mine people may feel strongly about.

The fact that I think alot, sometimes maybe too much, and the tendency to 'over-analyse'.

Ironically, my tutor asked the class today during today's first tutorial this semester of the unit.

"Would you rather be a happy pig or a sad philosopher?"

All because there was something mentioned before that 'on the more you know, the sadder you will become'.

Happy pigs were the favourite reply.

I was not surprised. Afterall, life is all just about being happy regardless of how much knowledge you may acquire, right? My heart shifted towards the happy pig answer too at that very instant.

And even up to now, the happy pig option seems very tempting.

But I don't know. There are reasons why philosophers think the way they do and they find the satisfaction in doing what they do. Perhaps it's not all about being happy? Perhaps satisfaction is equally as comforting?

What a load of spam I just typed. But it's about time anyway.

I want to be happy, and satisfied.

But that's never possible as I'm a human being.

So I guess life is just all about a journey of finding satisfaction and seeking happiness. Things people normally do not usually ever get at the end of the day.

A long journey of false hopes, regrets and endless cravings.

A long journey of happily never after.



-alexeO-