Where did it go all wrong?
Are friends still called friends if they actually annoys u till u don't feel like talking to them anymore?
I'm so bloody confused.
This is a confession i am going to make. My so-called friends who we were just on the best of terms very recently, are beginning to make me dislike them. Or are already halfway through.
Why do I have to care anymore? People tell me I am not the cheerful guy I was last time. Like they actually give a damn. Then they will start gossiping about me to other ppl. "hey look, anyone noticed Alex's a little moody these days?" Why DO U ACTUALLY CARE?! If i'm moody, it will be because of you.
I don't know what's wrong with everyone. I don't know what's wrong with myself. Each day it seems to be getting worst. I kept wondering why were they so close to me before. Why have they changed so much? As i pondered today in school, one classmate actually told me,"If you think everyone has a problem, it's actually you"
I don't even know whether to agree or not. That specific classmate doesn't seem to be having any problems with anyone just recently. She still smiles and acts normal. But when I do notices someone doing something annoying, I'll immediately show her and she'll just nod it off. Why does she not seem to care? Why is she closing one eye for all this. Has she known this earlier or is just simply being ignorant?
I don't have a problem with everyone. Just a specific few. Maybe a specific lot. Some I show my disagreements, some I don't. Maybe it's me, for all I care. But it doesn't matter if that someone is my true friend. Even if it's just me, it takes a test like this of true mettle to test a friendship. Looks like it had already affected some of my friendships. It may not be obvious but it'll certainly show me who I really have as friends and who are just clinging to my back for no reason whatsoever.
Confused by this changing temperament, I approached a friend today and asked him a question and try to strike a conversation, with a smile. "So u blocked me that day after u sounded angry?" "Yes,"he replied with a guilty smile. "Why?" "I was pissed off that day"
After that, of course i kept bugging him for more info. But he didn't want to say anything. So i said ,"Why are u not saying anything?" . "If i say anything, it'll just ruin our friendship. I wouldn't lie to u. Just know that."
After that awkward conversation, I kept oddly silent not being able to mention a single word, drowned in my pool of thoughts. What has gone wrong? It was clearly him i was 100% sure who made the mistake that made me angry and made him pissed and resulted in him blocking me on MSN.
Or was it just me? Is it just me? Why has things changed so much. And why didn't it affect ALL my friends if I was really the one at fault. And i think i'm still getting annoyed with my friends over the same reason some time ago. It just looks as if I am having some kinda problem because all is occuring all at once.
Or is it not?
I go to school, step into my class everyday with this twisted feeling in my heart. Like things could be better if so and so were not there. I know that's a bad thought, but it just automatically comes out. I walk into my not lighted up class and will be thinking about how I would want to avoid so and so for a certain period before I become more 'blended-in' with the class. For me, it's just a simple matter of getting used to it. And why should i even be getting used to it anyway? I should be loving my class until i dream about it at night. But apparently not, even if i dream, I think it'll just give me nightmares.
But all this bad thoughts about who should not be in the class will disappear as soon as the first teacher walks in and turn on the lights. I guess I'll feel better once everything is in place when the class is full and all. I know I am not someone who people will be super happy at my arrival in class or get flooded with "good morning" greetings. I like to see myself as someone who people talk to after a while and get recognized as a good guy and is in the crowd. Afterall, i hate the morning sessions of discussions.
Annoying friends are making me sick but I do know without them i would never be the same person i am. Not necessarily the worst though, but even if u give me a choice to go back to the past and choose my friends from there or simply give me a list to mark my friends, I will make sure every single name is checked.
I am someone who gets angry fast, but forgives extremely fast as well.
That personality of mine is probably the reason why all this is happening actually.
Caged in my own cage
-alexeO-
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I thought I saw it coming
(I know I was supposed to post alot of things i've promised. But that will have to wait until later. I am extremely busy with many projects and designing and not forgetting SPM of course. With the trials coming soon, i'll have to leave all this to later. thx for reading)
Days have passed by quickly and the clock is ticking endlessly. I know what's awaiting and yet ppl around me are seemingly assuming that I just do not care. I thought i had managed to stop it from happening but apparently not. People are still thinking. Looking at me as if I don't give a damn about my future.
Everyday, I wake up with this heavy load of my head, pushing me ever so hard. And yet everyday I still have to fight it off with my personal self motivation and inner strength. I'm not superman. I'm no brilliant kid. I'm definitely not an all rounder.
Friends who i know are doing worst than me. But why am i to be pointed out always?
I don't get the fact where ppl say they see something in me which they dont see in others. What the hell for?
Just now, my father picked me up from tuition and drove me home. I already expected to receive some kind of lecture from him as my parents were quite annoyed when they realised i hadn't slept at 1.30am. I was right. He started by saying he wanted me to sleep earlier. I just nodded and gave a very annoyed 'mmm'. I didn't argue, i wasn't train too. Then he went on to say something which went something like if I fail, just remember and know that I wasn't working hard enough. I gave a low soft toned reply, "i've been studying." How many times I tried putting that very statement into my parents head. They just don't seemed to be able to catch it in or simply don't want to. Then my dad continued,"frankly speaking, if you didn't work. you have no time already. one more month. if you resit, just think of what u have done"
Why is he telling me that for? I don't understand. Not only I think it's unnecessary but it's extremely 'abnormal' too. I didn't see it as any kind of motivation or inspiration. Was he trying to scare me? Was I over-reacting?
I didn't feel any of that at all.
My instance response was ,"I promise you I will not fail"
That strong 7 words simply signifies my feelings all these while. I know I will not fail and I will not fail. Who is aiming to pass SPM anyway? I'm aiming to score the most As i can achieve. Why has Dad started thinking I can't even pass my exams? Has he been judging me solely based on my weakest subjects? Why does he think I'm gonna fail my SPM until I gotta resit my Secondary 5?
I wondered if his eyes did scroll up a little higher only he will be proud of my achievement. I exceled in my language-based subjects. I didn't hear a single thing about it. All i know now is, he thinks i'm gonna fail my SPM.
I've started working. I'm doing the revision sheets my teachers gave. I am only distracted with one thing now, the Editiorial Board. After that, i will fully focus on my Examinations. I hope that time will come soon.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't argue or fight with my father just now. In fact we are still in a very happy term. I just was irritated with what he actually thought.
Do parents expect too much from their children? Sometimes i wondered if they actually see how other children treat their parents. No. I'm not comparing. This is the reality. I was utterly shocked to see some of my friends treating their parents as if they don't mean a single thing to them. The first time I saw it, i was actually feeling thankful for my parents. But do they know it? I certainly hope they do. I know I shouldn't compare like this, but they are doing the same. Telling my siblings and I how their friends children are excelling in their studies and how 'independent' they are and all. It's not like I care. I just wanna make them happy and proud of me. And pls note also that academics is not the only way. It's just the more common and easier way.
I love my parents of course. But this post is written out of disastisfaction and irritation. I wanna let them know i'm actually working for something. But it always looked like all they see is a lazy fat boy sleeping at home all day all night, not caring about a single thing thats happening around him. To be honest, i absolutely hate the sarcarstic jokes they make about me not continuing college and working. During the few family dinners I had with my siblings last time when my brother was still in Msia, they often joke about it when I randomly asked which college should i enroll to or how will i make it in time for college if I go overseas during December. Their reply would be something like ,''Don't need study lah, go play ur computer until u full''(either in hokkien or half english-half hokkien).
I know they may not mean it or may just be playing around. But it happened EVERY time when i talk about my college. Sometimes i just don't talk about it and it just comes out. My siblings often gave a weak smile. I just reacted as if I heard nothing.
Afterall, I don't think it's that funny anyway.
Still here,
-alexeO-
(I know I was supposed to post alot of things i've promised. But that will have to wait until later. I am extremely busy with many projects and designing and not forgetting SPM of course. With the trials coming soon, i'll have to leave all this to later. thx for reading)
Days have passed by quickly and the clock is ticking endlessly. I know what's awaiting and yet ppl around me are seemingly assuming that I just do not care. I thought i had managed to stop it from happening but apparently not. People are still thinking. Looking at me as if I don't give a damn about my future.
Everyday, I wake up with this heavy load of my head, pushing me ever so hard. And yet everyday I still have to fight it off with my personal self motivation and inner strength. I'm not superman. I'm no brilliant kid. I'm definitely not an all rounder.
Friends who i know are doing worst than me. But why am i to be pointed out always?
I don't get the fact where ppl say they see something in me which they dont see in others. What the hell for?
Just now, my father picked me up from tuition and drove me home. I already expected to receive some kind of lecture from him as my parents were quite annoyed when they realised i hadn't slept at 1.30am. I was right. He started by saying he wanted me to sleep earlier. I just nodded and gave a very annoyed 'mmm'. I didn't argue, i wasn't train too. Then he went on to say something which went something like if I fail, just remember and know that I wasn't working hard enough. I gave a low soft toned reply, "i've been studying." How many times I tried putting that very statement into my parents head. They just don't seemed to be able to catch it in or simply don't want to. Then my dad continued,"frankly speaking, if you didn't work. you have no time already. one more month. if you resit, just think of what u have done"
Why is he telling me that for? I don't understand. Not only I think it's unnecessary but it's extremely 'abnormal' too. I didn't see it as any kind of motivation or inspiration. Was he trying to scare me? Was I over-reacting?
I didn't feel any of that at all.
My instance response was ,"I promise you I will not fail"
That strong 7 words simply signifies my feelings all these while. I know I will not fail and I will not fail. Who is aiming to pass SPM anyway? I'm aiming to score the most As i can achieve. Why has Dad started thinking I can't even pass my exams? Has he been judging me solely based on my weakest subjects? Why does he think I'm gonna fail my SPM until I gotta resit my Secondary 5?
I wondered if his eyes did scroll up a little higher only he will be proud of my achievement. I exceled in my language-based subjects. I didn't hear a single thing about it. All i know now is, he thinks i'm gonna fail my SPM.
I've started working. I'm doing the revision sheets my teachers gave. I am only distracted with one thing now, the Editiorial Board. After that, i will fully focus on my Examinations. I hope that time will come soon.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't argue or fight with my father just now. In fact we are still in a very happy term. I just was irritated with what he actually thought.
Do parents expect too much from their children? Sometimes i wondered if they actually see how other children treat their parents. No. I'm not comparing. This is the reality. I was utterly shocked to see some of my friends treating their parents as if they don't mean a single thing to them. The first time I saw it, i was actually feeling thankful for my parents. But do they know it? I certainly hope they do. I know I shouldn't compare like this, but they are doing the same. Telling my siblings and I how their friends children are excelling in their studies and how 'independent' they are and all. It's not like I care. I just wanna make them happy and proud of me. And pls note also that academics is not the only way. It's just the more common and easier way.
I love my parents of course. But this post is written out of disastisfaction and irritation. I wanna let them know i'm actually working for something. But it always looked like all they see is a lazy fat boy sleeping at home all day all night, not caring about a single thing thats happening around him. To be honest, i absolutely hate the sarcarstic jokes they make about me not continuing college and working. During the few family dinners I had with my siblings last time when my brother was still in Msia, they often joke about it when I randomly asked which college should i enroll to or how will i make it in time for college if I go overseas during December. Their reply would be something like ,''Don't need study lah, go play ur computer until u full''(either in hokkien or half english-half hokkien).
I know they may not mean it or may just be playing around. But it happened EVERY time when i talk about my college. Sometimes i just don't talk about it and it just comes out. My siblings often gave a weak smile. I just reacted as if I heard nothing.
Afterall, I don't think it's that funny anyway.
Still here,
-alexeO-
Friday, September 16, 2005
Computer
^@#$^@#$^$&$&&*#%^!@$%!@!!!!!
Yes. Using back my own computer now. So can't play WoW at the moment. Dad yesterday or 2 days ago took my computer to be fixed...and it's supposed to be fixed. But NOOO!! Came back. Fixed it. ....then the soundcard error message appeared again. WTF FIXED! STILL NO SOUND!QW#@#%^@#^@^@#^@#
ARGH!WHWYW$Y@$^@#$^@#$
So now using without sound again. And i asked my Dad to upgrade my graphics card too. He did. But wtf? still can't support direct X 9.0c. HOW TO GET THAT FREAKING DIRECT X. TRIED DLOADING BUT STILL FAILED TO WORK!!!! So can't install WoW just yet.
And yes. I was supposed to post pics regarding the 3on3 basketball but i was sooo busy. Doing flyers, designs, forum, etc etc.
I will do it at my free time. Take it as something to look forward to.
For now, let me struggle with my soundless computer. =(
U said something?
-alexeO-
^@#$^@#$^$&$&&*#%^!@$%!@!!!!!
Yes. Using back my own computer now. So can't play WoW at the moment. Dad yesterday or 2 days ago took my computer to be fixed...and it's supposed to be fixed. But NOOO!! Came back. Fixed it. ....then the soundcard error message appeared again. WTF FIXED! STILL NO SOUND!QW#@#%^@#^@^@#^@#
ARGH!WHWYW$Y@$^@#$^@#$
So now using without sound again. And i asked my Dad to upgrade my graphics card too. He did. But wtf? still can't support direct X 9.0c. HOW TO GET THAT FREAKING DIRECT X. TRIED DLOADING BUT STILL FAILED TO WORK!!!! So can't install WoW just yet.
And yes. I was supposed to post pics regarding the 3on3 basketball but i was sooo busy. Doing flyers, designs, forum, etc etc.
I will do it at my free time. Take it as something to look forward to.
For now, let me struggle with my soundless computer. =(
U said something?
-alexeO-
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Merdeka, KLIA and me
It has been sadly quite a while since I last captivated my loyal readers with my posts. :(
Anyway, laziness overpowered my will and blah. On Tuesday night, went to Rainforest in Pyramid with Richmond, Praveen and Allen to do our own mini countdown. Arrived there and noticed a stage with some guys singing. Ignored cause too many ppl. After a while, everyone arrived and we started drinking again! Haha. I was telling Praveen how I didn't wanna drink so much that day but what the heck. Since i'm already there.. :D
Started off with a bottle of Carlsberg. Went on to JD + coke then went on to Vodka Lime. Ooo. I'm starting to like this life. ;)
(how do u do the devil smiley. grr)
Then the fireworks erupted at 12am and bam boom bam. I duno what else u can say about fireworks. They are all the same. I don't hate it though. In fact, to a certain extent i think it's freaking attractive. Pulls your eye to it, not letting go. Ah. Went home at 1+am and went to yum cha with my family members at a Mamak near my house. Haha. Wasn't really in the mood to go after the drinks but I was already quite sober that time and since it'll be the last yum cha session with my brother before he leaves to Manchester so i just went. Had a Milo Ice and cooled my whole body.
Speaking about my brother, he left to Manchester this morning! His flight was at 10.30am so I went to KLIA with my school uniform(erk!) and sent him off. Will be studying there for 3 years or something. Btw, KLIA's a pretty cool place. Nice first impression for foreigners. :D Anyway, all the best to my brother!
So, SPM's about 2 months away. This is exactly the period when all 'calon calon peperiksaan' will start cramping each night and working their ass off. Damn. I really hope it would apply to me. I was hoping for it to come naturally but i'm still tapping my feet waiting. Argh. But i'm already starting the feel the 'mood'! Woohoo! Finally a hardworking Alex is coming up. I hope.
Realised some schools finished their syllabus already. In fact one finished it 2 months ago. Er hello? I still got 100 miles to go for Biology and Add Maths to my knowledge is also not completed yet. How come they get to finish so early! Grr.
Bah. Can't wait to get this over with. Then at least i'll have another thing off my shoulders. School's pretty ghey these days and I'll be more than happy to get it done with. ;)
Typed all I need to type.
:D:D:D
-alexeO-
It has been sadly quite a while since I last captivated my loyal readers with my posts. :(
Anyway, laziness overpowered my will and blah. On Tuesday night, went to Rainforest in Pyramid with Richmond, Praveen and Allen to do our own mini countdown. Arrived there and noticed a stage with some guys singing. Ignored cause too many ppl. After a while, everyone arrived and we started drinking again! Haha. I was telling Praveen how I didn't wanna drink so much that day but what the heck. Since i'm already there.. :D
Started off with a bottle of Carlsberg. Went on to JD + coke then went on to Vodka Lime. Ooo. I'm starting to like this life. ;)
(how do u do the devil smiley. grr)
Then the fireworks erupted at 12am and bam boom bam. I duno what else u can say about fireworks. They are all the same. I don't hate it though. In fact, to a certain extent i think it's freaking attractive. Pulls your eye to it, not letting go. Ah. Went home at 1+am and went to yum cha with my family members at a Mamak near my house. Haha. Wasn't really in the mood to go after the drinks but I was already quite sober that time and since it'll be the last yum cha session with my brother before he leaves to Manchester so i just went. Had a Milo Ice and cooled my whole body.
Speaking about my brother, he left to Manchester this morning! His flight was at 10.30am so I went to KLIA with my school uniform(erk!) and sent him off. Will be studying there for 3 years or something. Btw, KLIA's a pretty cool place. Nice first impression for foreigners. :D Anyway, all the best to my brother!
So, SPM's about 2 months away. This is exactly the period when all 'calon calon peperiksaan' will start cramping each night and working their ass off. Damn. I really hope it would apply to me. I was hoping for it to come naturally but i'm still tapping my feet waiting. Argh. But i'm already starting the feel the 'mood'! Woohoo! Finally a hardworking Alex is coming up. I hope.
Realised some schools finished their syllabus already. In fact one finished it 2 months ago. Er hello? I still got 100 miles to go for Biology and Add Maths to my knowledge is also not completed yet. How come they get to finish so early! Grr.
Bah. Can't wait to get this over with. Then at least i'll have another thing off my shoulders. School's pretty ghey these days and I'll be more than happy to get it done with. ;)
Typed all I need to type.
:D:D:D
-alexeO-
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