I thought I saw it coming

(I know I was supposed to post alot of things i've promised. But that will have to wait until later. I am extremely busy with many projects and designing and not forgetting SPM of course. With the trials coming soon, i'll have to leave all this to later. thx for reading)

Days have passed by quickly and the clock is ticking endlessly. I know what's awaiting and yet ppl around me are seemingly assuming that I just do not care. I thought i had managed to stop it from happening but apparently not. People are still thinking. Looking at me as if I don't give a damn about my future.

Everyday, I wake up with this heavy load of my head, pushing me ever so hard. And yet everyday I still have to fight it off with my personal self motivation and inner strength. I'm not superman. I'm no brilliant kid. I'm definitely not an all rounder.
Friends who i know are doing worst than me. But why am i to be pointed out always?
I don't get the fact where ppl say they see something in me which they dont see in others. What the hell for?

Just now, my father picked me up from tuition and drove me home. I already expected to receive some kind of lecture from him as my parents were quite annoyed when they realised i hadn't slept at 1.30am. I was right. He started by saying he wanted me to sleep earlier. I just nodded and gave a very annoyed 'mmm'. I didn't argue, i wasn't train too. Then he went on to say something which went something like if I fail, just remember and know that I wasn't working hard enough. I gave a low soft toned reply, "i've been studying." How many times I tried putting that very statement into my parents head. They just don't seemed to be able to catch it in or simply don't want to. Then my dad continued,"frankly speaking, if you didn't work. you have no time already. one more month. if you resit, just think of what u have done"
Why is he telling me that for? I don't understand. Not only I think it's unnecessary but it's extremely 'abnormal' too. I didn't see it as any kind of motivation or inspiration. Was he trying to scare me? Was I over-reacting?
I didn't feel any of that at all.

My instance response was ,"I promise you I will not fail"

That strong 7 words simply signifies my feelings all these while. I know I will not fail and I will not fail. Who is aiming to pass SPM anyway? I'm aiming to score the most As i can achieve. Why has Dad started thinking I can't even pass my exams? Has he been judging me solely based on my weakest subjects? Why does he think I'm gonna fail my SPM until I gotta resit my Secondary 5?

I wondered if his eyes did scroll up a little higher only he will be proud of my achievement. I exceled in my language-based subjects. I didn't hear a single thing about it. All i know now is, he thinks i'm gonna fail my SPM.

I've started working. I'm doing the revision sheets my teachers gave. I am only distracted with one thing now, the Editiorial Board. After that, i will fully focus on my Examinations. I hope that time will come soon.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't argue or fight with my father just now. In fact we are still in a very happy term. I just was irritated with what he actually thought.

Do parents expect too much from their children? Sometimes i wondered if they actually see how other children treat their parents. No. I'm not comparing. This is the reality. I was utterly shocked to see some of my friends treating their parents as if they don't mean a single thing to them. The first time I saw it, i was actually feeling thankful for my parents. But do they know it? I certainly hope they do. I know I shouldn't compare like this, but they are doing the same. Telling my siblings and I how their friends children are excelling in their studies and how 'independent' they are and all. It's not like I care. I just wanna make them happy and proud of me. And pls note also that academics is not the only way. It's just the more common and easier way.

I love my parents of course. But this post is written out of disastisfaction and irritation. I wanna let them know i'm actually working for something. But it always looked like all they see is a lazy fat boy sleeping at home all day all night, not caring about a single thing thats happening around him. To be honest, i absolutely hate the sarcarstic jokes they make about me not continuing college and working. During the few family dinners I had with my siblings last time when my brother was still in Msia, they often joke about it when I randomly asked which college should i enroll to or how will i make it in time for college if I go overseas during December. Their reply would be something like ,''Don't need study lah, go play ur computer until u full''(either in hokkien or half english-half hokkien).
I know they may not mean it or may just be playing around. But it happened EVERY time when i talk about my college. Sometimes i just don't talk about it and it just comes out. My siblings often gave a weak smile. I just reacted as if I heard nothing.

Afterall, I don't think it's that funny anyway.


Still here,
-alexeO-