Where did it go all wrong?

Are friends still called friends if they actually annoys u till u don't feel like talking to them anymore?

I'm so bloody confused.
This is a confession i am going to make. My so-called friends who we were just on the best of terms very recently, are beginning to make me dislike them. Or are already halfway through.

Why do I have to care anymore? People tell me I am not the cheerful guy I was last time. Like they actually give a damn. Then they will start gossiping about me to other ppl. "hey look, anyone noticed Alex's a little moody these days?" Why DO U ACTUALLY CARE?! If i'm moody, it will be because of you.

I don't know what's wrong with everyone. I don't know what's wrong with myself. Each day it seems to be getting worst. I kept wondering why were they so close to me before. Why have they changed so much? As i pondered today in school, one classmate actually told me,"If you think everyone has a problem, it's actually you"

I don't even know whether to agree or not. That specific classmate doesn't seem to be having any problems with anyone just recently. She still smiles and acts normal. But when I do notices someone doing something annoying, I'll immediately show her and she'll just nod it off. Why does she not seem to care? Why is she closing one eye for all this. Has she known this earlier or is just simply being ignorant?

I don't have a problem with everyone. Just a specific few. Maybe a specific lot. Some I show my disagreements, some I don't. Maybe it's me, for all I care. But it doesn't matter if that someone is my true friend. Even if it's just me, it takes a test like this of true mettle to test a friendship. Looks like it had already affected some of my friendships. It may not be obvious but it'll certainly show me who I really have as friends and who are just clinging to my back for no reason whatsoever.

Confused by this changing temperament, I approached a friend today and asked him a question and try to strike a conversation, with a smile. "So u blocked me that day after u sounded angry?" "Yes,"he replied with a guilty smile. "Why?" "I was pissed off that day"

After that, of course i kept bugging him for more info. But he didn't want to say anything. So i said ,"Why are u not saying anything?" . "If i say anything, it'll just ruin our friendship. I wouldn't lie to u. Just know that."

After that awkward conversation, I kept oddly silent not being able to mention a single word, drowned in my pool of thoughts. What has gone wrong? It was clearly him i was 100% sure who made the mistake that made me angry and made him pissed and resulted in him blocking me on MSN.

Or was it just me? Is it just me? Why has things changed so much. And why didn't it affect ALL my friends if I was really the one at fault. And i think i'm still getting annoyed with my friends over the same reason some time ago. It just looks as if I am having some kinda problem because all is occuring all at once.

Or is it not?

I go to school, step into my class everyday with this twisted feeling in my heart. Like things could be better if so and so were not there. I know that's a bad thought, but it just automatically comes out. I walk into my not lighted up class and will be thinking about how I would want to avoid so and so for a certain period before I become more 'blended-in' with the class. For me, it's just a simple matter of getting used to it. And why should i even be getting used to it anyway? I should be loving my class until i dream about it at night. But apparently not, even if i dream, I think it'll just give me nightmares.

But all this bad thoughts about who should not be in the class will disappear as soon as the first teacher walks in and turn on the lights. I guess I'll feel better once everything is in place when the class is full and all. I know I am not someone who people will be super happy at my arrival in class or get flooded with "good morning" greetings. I like to see myself as someone who people talk to after a while and get recognized as a good guy and is in the crowd. Afterall, i hate the morning sessions of discussions.

Annoying friends are making me sick but I do know without them i would never be the same person i am. Not necessarily the worst though, but even if u give me a choice to go back to the past and choose my friends from there or simply give me a list to mark my friends, I will make sure every single name is checked.

I am someone who gets angry fast, but forgives extremely fast as well.

That personality of mine is probably the reason why all this is happening actually.



Caged in my own cage
-alexeO-