Filler post to push the last post down. *rolls eyes*

Aside from the obvious, I've been good, if you're curious.

Actually not really, caught some weird illness few days back and haven't fully recovered since.

Symptoms include: nausea, lack of appetite, and an upset stomach.

I actually feel sick thinking about fried chicken. Can you imagine that? That must show the severity of my condition somehow or rather. Stupid KFC I had. I knew it tasted funny when i took one bite. I should have known.

And to Mr. and Mrs. Gloryhunters out there, stfu please and win on your own merit. I can't wait to see the day you end up empty-handed. Let's see how you cope then eh. You think your team is obliged to win something every year. You think it is part of the 'contract' as a supporter that you'll get to celebrate that whatever trophy you get at the end of the season. Well reality check, no.

That's why not many people I feel understand the true attachment someone can have to football, to their favourite team. You stick with your team for all those years, through that many ups and downs, tears and jubilation, stormy weather and clear skies, trophies and no trophies, and that's why every victory in the present is that much significant to you.

And that is where and when you get the right to taunt an opposing team and its supporters, because you had experienced so much stick yourself for that significant period of time. That's why the day you lift a trophy you automatically get the right to shove it into a rival's face and leave permanent scars and bruises from the impact of the shove.

Not you, mr. (and mrs.) gloryhunter who have never weathered the storm, let alone know what finishing a season disappointingly feels like.

Now, from a personal perspective, it's high time we do not end the season 'disappointingly'. My fellow Gooners have been struck by lightning, sunk to the depths of the ocean, blown away by hurricanes, multiple times, and have our what we thought was our safe shelter at last 'robbed' away from us for countless of times. One more realistic trophy to achieve, let's do it now or never.

Rant ends here.



-alexeO-

Top of the league.


I don't care if it's gonna change even if probably in just a few days time. I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully the position stays the same come May!


-alexeO-

I stay up because I appreciate the sound of silence. The one time when the world is asleep and you aren't. Peaceful and serene. The silence of this hour.

The time when you can be with yourself, and only yourself. Your alone time so to speak.

For the first time in a long time, I actually felt what being contented felt like. Just a few seconds of that feeling when I felt so fulfilled, so satisfied, so strong, so powerful.

It starts from the inside.



-alexeO-

"When I grow up, I want to be a __________"


Well that day is finally here Alex. So what do you want to fucking be?



-alexeO-

Where do I go?

Where do I fcking go?



-alexeO-

Sitting here in the dark, with my quilt wrapped around me while it pours heavily outside.

Since my last post, yes, I'm back home. And more on that later.

I was hesitant to write a post because I never really got the chance to gather my thoughts, but here I am. Only because it's the last day of 2009, and I feel obliged to say goodbye to the year that has been.

So.. goodbye 2009.

The rain is getting heavier, it's 7 hours to the new year, and my plans for tonight were just confirmed about an hour ago.

This is it then. Going to get ready now.

This year will forever be remembered as.. the Melbourne year. How original.

I wonder what 2010 will bring. Watch this space.. same time.. same day.. next year.



-alexeO-

My flight home is in less than 24 hours but photographs and random tickets and forms of memoirs remain stamped on my wall in front of me.

My family's visit in the past week has enlightened me on various things I never thought of before particularly in the decision making of what I am going to do with my future.

I am leaving this place with an incredibly heavy heart. And if you ask me now, I still cannot confidently tell you where will I be next year.

I'm scared of growing up. Not so much the growing old and wrinkly part of it, but more of the fact that growing up often involves changes - lots of changes - and I am scared of changes.

Sooner or later, things will change, whether I want them to or not, and there's nothing I can do about it. I understand that part. But I think subconsciously, as much as I possibly could, I want to postpone that change, holding it back with whatever ounce of strength I have left.

Maybe I should embrace change. Maybe it's about taking that first difficult step, and just withstanding whatever rollercoaster of emotions that would be flooded upon me, and things will eventually become normal again.

My whole life I've not been as successful because I'm always afraid of that first step. I don't dare to take that step because I refuse and am not brave enough to face that whirlpool of uneasiness even for that couple of seconds at times. That is why I don't like raising a point in tutorials during my uni days, because I was so scared to face the awkward moment when everyone is judging me - positively or negatively - even for that couple of seconds. Even though I know a couple of seconds later the attention will not be on me anymore and the judging will dissipate in a matter of seconds.

I'm sad that I already arrived at the crossroads. I'm not sure if I followed the speedlimit on my way here because it seriously feels like I arrived too fast.

Maybe my journey was charged by a constant need to prove to people my worth along with an overthinking of life hence I never properly took the time to enjoy the ride. And now I've arrived and I cannot ever turn back.

Fortunately, all is not that bleak because at the end of the day, I know deep down inside I'm only still in my twenties, just reached there barely in fact. And there are plenty of people in the world who have led or is leading wonderful lives in their twenties. And I'm glad I'm aware of this now because come 10, 20 years time, if you see me complaining about the same thing again, feel free to slap me hard in the face.

For now, I might have made my decision of what I want to do with my life next year, but I cannot outrighly admit it now because I am not brave enough yet. But trust me I am going to.

On a related and vague sidenote, oh how easy it is to lose a person's trust and how hard it is to gain it. But like I tell most of my friends, I'll just continue doing what I do, trying to better myself each day, and things will eventually fall to place by themselves.

That's just how the world goes by.



-alexeO-