I regret, but I'm not sorry.

People do things which they regret later.
And i'm not exceptional in any way.

Some things I regret doing a long time ago really had an impact on me deep down inside even until today.
The disappointment and 'regret' is to an extent of when I actually think of those things I did, I actually will feel like I've screwed up my life in a big way.

I know that there may be good things which came along with the major decisions I made in my life which sometimes may seem like the worst decisions in the world, but I know what I did and I really think I would benefit much more if I had acted the other way instead.

But it's too late to think back now.
Because I know I cannot go back time and change the way I had acted.



For one,

I regret trying so hard to be different last time and trying to live my life in a 'different' way from other people.

This isn't something I did unconsciously like most people will say they do.

It's something which I actually had control over and I actually decided to so-called take the 'road not taken' and 'less travelled by' for the sake of being different, unique, special, and whatever other synonyms relevant.

It's not a matter of not participating. It's a matter of desperation of wanting to be different.

This is definitely not a new characteristic of mine.
It seems that I have been 'trying' since primary school.

When every student makes noise in the class,
I will be the one standing at the door, looking outside, keeping quiet.

When everyone plays 'catching',
I will be the one sitting down at the bench, observing the random surroundings,

When everyone is close to a particular classmate,
I will be the only one in class avoiding to become friends with that classmate.

When everyone uses the left flight of stairs to reach the canteen,
I will be the one using the flight of stairs at the right side.

At the end of the day,
I realised the hard way that being different sucks.

Because of my 'difference', I ended up being a loner for most of my years in school, because I just refused to 'follow the crowd' and make friends with people who have alot of friends.

I ended up not participating in any sports whatsoever which made me to a totally unfit person today.

I ended up being teased, insulted when people spoke about the 'different' boy in the class.

I ended up being more tired after taking the longer route to the canteen.

Nothing awaited me for being different.

Was I unique?

I definitely was, in my own way.

But so is everyone else around me.
The so-called 'normal' people who I refused to become part of.



I also regret wanting to being nice always and ended up being taken advantage of.
Because of this attitude of mine since young, it became some sort of a 'habit' and I just cannot force myself to not be who I am trained myself to be.

I became branded as 'vulnerable' and fun to bully because people know I am not vengeful and will forgive them easily.

Leading from that,
I also actually regret not wanting to defend myself but laugh along when people take advantage of me when I was young.

Because of that, I never learnt the art of standing up for myself.

If I have children, or a younger sibling for example,
My main advices for him or her would be not to be who I wanted to be last time.

There's no reason to 'try' to be different for the sake of being unique because at the end of the day, everyone IS indeed unique in their own ways.

If only I had someone who had told me this earlier.
Hmmm.
I would probably turn out to be a very different boy today.

How would I know?

You know there are somethings in life you are just so sure of but you cannot find the explanation behind it?

And that's just the way it is.



I occasionally tell some of my friends that I regretted some choices I made in my life because it totally made me into a very different person I would have been.

It's no fun, but without regrets, people wouldn't learn.

And I guess this is a phase I will go through in my life.
To remind me and teach me of the simple facts of life.
And how to treat people around me.

I'm honestly glad that I have this will inside me which tells me everyday to try my best to be nice, and not to commit any things which may have a negative impact.

Like not smoking for example.
Or not taking drugs.
Or not hurting people.
Or making people dislike me for some reason.
Or for not having a heart and a soft side.

I sometimes see my peers doing stupid things and wasting their lives.
Lives which certain people in this world will die to replace.

At least I know I'm trying my best to live my life the way it should be.

At least I have regrets to learn from.





-alexeO-