My life so far

What happens when it's 4:30am, got no one to talk to online, all sites have been surfed at least 3 times for the past few hours, and revising your work leaves you more frustrated at the end of the day?

You blog.

And so my boredom and un-willingness to sleep started.
My original objective was to revise my work until the early hours of the morning then getting my sleep after that, but I guess I've got to put on hold what I planned to do.

It's not as easy as it seems.

And so I began surfing Friendster randomly in hopes to find something or someone interesting that will occupy me for the next half an hour or so, and what I did came across strangely didn't leave me satisfied I thought I would be.

I came across an old friend of mine profile which left my school quite some time ago but we still managed to keep in touch somehow..
It wasn't until just now when I realised how unfairly I had treated her(yes, it is a her) last time.

All those while, I had this thought on my mind of me being the superior one. I thought I was the guy everyone loved and everyone just wanted to be in line to get my approval for a friendship. My ego-istic, self-centred self did not feel as if I was having any troubles with finding friends at all, no.

It's not like I was boasting around telling people around how many friends I had and how many people loved me. I wasn't also telling aloud I was very likable and people cannot get enough of me. But those assumptions were INDEED in my mind. And thinking about it is bad enough.

However, I am still not denying that I treat many people very nice and also am not denying that what I do everyday is genuine and sincere. Throughout my life in school, I had been criticised and accused of 'faking' my actions each day but the only thing I faked was acting friendly in front of those accusers. I was nicknamed bubbly, happy-go-lucky and most often people describe me as fun to be with and simply cheerful. Hey I'm not stating all those because I'm letting them get to my head because that is definitely not my intention in this post.

My intentions are, I want to clear it up once and for all that for one, I was genuine in what I do each day and how I may react to certain situations.
And secondly, however much people may have a positive impression of me, I thought far too highly.

Yes, positive impression.. but must that mean they must like me?

Most definitely not.

And so the conflict began, when my thoughts of everyone MUST somehow like me in a way came crumbling down.

Which was actually triggered from me surfing the friendster's profile.
I searched through her photos she posted and all I saw was her smiling and doing funny poses with her new-found friends at college. She even had plenty of pictures of friends from her school she went to after mine. I remembered just a few months back, she had a pic of me and another classmate of mine and she caption-ed it as "Old friends from SSC" But today, the pic is non-existent.

It then shook me. I had treated her unfairly, not giving her the attention she gave me and not caring for her as sincerely as she cared for me. All because I thought she just wanted my friendship for the sake of it. And then thoughts of her spending time with me just flashed before my eyes. Yes. She did care. But I didn't. Not as much anyway.

I didn't appreciate her friendship and hence she has moved on with her life and has left me behind regretting what I did in the past.

I don't blame her.
It was not worth waiting for me anyway.

Which leaves me very confuse in a way actually. At the same time, I'm afraid some friends I had or currently have are just using me in a way. Because I certainly suspect a few but hey, who am I to judge right?

I just want to apologize to the friend of mine who has gone many steps ahead eventhough it's far too late now. It's highly doubtful she will read this but at least I said it. You've made a good decision. Thx for giving me the wake up call.

My Mid-Year Examinations this whole week.
Weee.
After that 2 weeks holidays. 3 days of exams= 14++ days of holidays!
That'll be exciting.
It actually acts as some sort of a motivation that I shud work now and rest like mad later but somehow attempting to study is tough.
Hey I tried okay? I started ATTEMPTING some Specialist Mathematics question and realised that was a terrible decision. Me not being able to solve MOST(almost all) of the questions just made me super frustrated. Sigh.
I dunno man. I thought I was actually heading in the right track until the past year questions for the Mid Year came. So hard. HOW AM I GONNA GO THROUGH SPEC MATHS!!

AIHHH.
Maybe I shouldn't had started with it. Spoilt my mood only.
Tomorrow hardcore Mathematical Studies. Ok. Not that hardcore since I'll probably wake up at 5pm or so. But still must stardeeeee!

must must must!

:o


-alexeO-