SPM Results 2005

I know I said I don't fking care too some.
I know I said screw it to some.
I know I said it wouldn't matter to some.

But now I feel,
it is only human if i start feeling the tension for the spm results.
I dont think it is caused by my own personal curiosity or interest.
I think I am feeling it because of all the hype surrounding me regarding the SPM results.
Everywhere I go, ppl are talking about SPM results. Bla bla bla. How much they need to score and all. I don't feel the same way.
I feel it because ppl are feeling it. U geddit?
At first I thought I stood a teeny weeny slim chance to score a miracle.. but the more I think, the more I look at it, the more I think about my past and my results I scored last year, the less hopeful I am.
I read back my blog archives reading the 9 days of SPM i had.
I could see I felt no confidence in scoring A for the science subjects and several core subjects.
So why should I feel the confidence now? I know myself best right after I did those papers.

I think another reason on why life as a student sucks is because you have all these examinations. It is not because of how much you need to study for them but it is because of the "results" you anticipate for.
Sometimes you don't anticipate it, but the ppl around you do. And that's exactly my case. Curious family members and close friends just would want to know ur results. You know you already sucked in the examination, you know you wouldn't score well. Everyone can roughly figure out what they'll get after sitting for the papers.. and yet, you tell everyone around you that you gonna get sucky results but they just wanna know anyway.

It hurts to tell ppl a bad result.

3 years ago, 2003. PMR Results.
I felt the tension like a mad cow. It was even more tension-ed than how I am feeling now. But I didn't feel the "what-if-I-get-bad-results" feeling. I honestly didn't.
Even if I did, it would be easily cured. That was because I knew if I hadn't scored well, I would still enter form 4 and then form 5 and then I will have to sit for my SPM which hopefully I will be motivated to study.
But I DID score well for PMR. Fantastic in fact. So my happiness doubled and my confidence grew. And I never knew what does a disappointed feeling over an examination result felt like.

That is why I am feeling all these jumbled up feelings right now. I already know I won't score well. I am just thinking on how the disappointment will feel like.
I am thinking on how am I gonna face my parents and my friends. I told ppl I wouldn't ask for their results if they don't ask for mine. That was the deal I made. But honestly, I really wanna know everyone's results but I just don't want anyone to know mine. I know it's selfish. But I have reasons to it.

The reason I am afraid of scoring badly is because for one, the impression I will give to my family and friends. I hate ppl thinking I am a dumb kid with no brains and only knows how to face the computer and online 24/7. I honestly hate it.
I want ppl to see my as an average study-able kid with a healthy mind. But it doesn't come if you do badly for ur examinations.
My PMR results also place many false impression about me. I am not smart. I am not intelligent. My PMR results were a fluke or the exams were simply too easy.
Anyone could had scored. I was just a little more lucky. But NO. After the results, ppl will expect more or similiar from me for SPM. I hate it. It's disgusting.
That is why I felt rejuvenated and happy when Kim told me she wouldn't look down on me whatsoever if I really did badly for my SPM. She would just think of me as lazy.
I love that thought.

I really hope my parents would take it lightly regarding my SPM results. I hope they wouldn't be sarcastic or angry but just laugh it off. I seriously hope they do.
And I also hope I wouldn't get flooded with phone calls after the results which happens to be in a few hours time. I just want it to be a normal day.

I can just feel the disappointment now.
I duno how long it will last.
I hope it disappears soon.

Once in a while, I like to imagine what if I really did score well. But after a few secs of imagining, I quickly shook the thoughts off as I know it will just increase my disappointment to a larger extent.

I keep telling ppl I dont care about the results. But if I don't, why have I typed so long regarding the SPM Results. It's 3:43am now as I type this sentence. I will be going to school at around 10-11am later.

I have frens who are expecting straight As or many many As.
I don't know what to say.


How nice if I could invent a machine which would tell me everbody's results and then after that make everyone not interested in discussing about the SPM results anymore, better if erased from memory.

However much I try to forget the results tomorrow, ppl would still be talking about it. I also have to pass my results to the college(hopefully they don't consider kicking me out). Frens will discuss. Online forums will ask each other on how they fared. It will/may still be a topic of conversation in my family.

I want to collect my results as I am dead curious and just forget it all.
But I am just wishing for an impossible thing to happen.

I can just smell the bad cloud which overshadowed me for the whole of last year approaching me now.

Go away. Pls.


-alexeO-