I am a confused, lost child

I have collected my SPM results today.
I don't know whether to be happy or to be sad.

Before the SPM, during the revision weeks, I actually had a small target placed and not many actually know about it.
I was targetting for my 5 core subjects to score A + my EST subject. Then my 7th A will come from one of the 4 science subjects. I did that cause I know I sucked in my science subjects and to pick 1 out of 4 sounds more reasonable then to score A in all 4. So I came with a target of 7As. The minimum to get price money from the school during Scholastic Award Day.

However, during/after the SPM, I found my target a little too hard to keep. So my prediction was a far cry from my original target. From 7As I originally planned, my prediction went down to a mere 2-4 As. The reason being, I know I sucked for History.. BM was a tricky paper and my science subjects seemed to impossible for me to get an A in any of them. And thus, my target.

So I kept this 2-4As target with me from the day SPM finished on December 2nd till yesterday night. I always had a little space for this tiny glimpse of hope inside me which I often refuse to think about. But it's still there.. I know the possibilities of me achieving outside my 2-4As prediction is there. Afterall, the forecast I achieved was a mere 4As. With a mixtures of Bs and Cs. Seemed tremendously horrible for a student in a Science class. Many friends of mine would dread to have results as bad as I had gotten for my forecast. In fact, I know some ppl who got like many As and 1-2 Bs for their forecast but they are like damn disappointed for some reason.
Honestly, ppl like that makes me laugh. To think of the standard difference and the expectations level is ridiculous. Why such huge contradiction in satisfaction. It is just funny and quite annoying to some extent.

So like I've said, my 2-3As prediction was with me till yesterday night. This morning I woke up and already was thinking of how to face my parents after showing them my 2-4As which I will not be surprised with. I may be disappointed because I always expect a surprise, but that's just another annoying part of me. So in the car on my way, I already told my mum what I expected and we had a slight 'talk' about it. It wasn't exactly an argument but I guess I was just trying to prepare her for the worst.

When I've finally gotten my results. My initial reaction was 'hell yea'. The teacher in charged was looking at my slip and counting the As I have. He didn't stop after 2-4. He went on further, slightly. I was quite surprised. I feel mixed and confused. It was just so weird.

I suddenly didn't feel as happy as I thought I would be when I beat my expectations.
I thought I would be happy, but I wasn't feeling particularly overjoyed or something.
I was just.. confused. It hurts even more when I realised I am just about right in the middle of my class. 40% of my class are top scorers. I'm about the 50% and above.
I went out after that with the guys.. eventhough my results were congratulated and acknowledged positively by some of my family members, it wasn't great if compared to my frens.

It is also confusing because I have this group which is congratulating me and on the other hand this group which would definitely think if they had gotten my results, they would be darn disappointed. I duno what to feel right now. I am sandwiched right in the middle.

And yea, the top scorer of my school achieved 12As. 9A1s and 3A2s. Congrats to him. Since my school is a small shitty school with only 50+ students taking SPM last year, the results are pretty good. My class did the best expectedly being the only science class of the school..(the other class doesn't count cause it only has 6 students).

I am not happy nor sad.


I am just,
confused.

:/


-alexeO-