I've always wanted to avoid the truth but I guess denial can only go so far.
I try and try and force myself every single time. It was a struggle and still is a struggle and will be a struggle as long as I want it to be. As long as I need it to be.
It hurts a lot. And it takes up a lot of me that I cannot deny. I was never ready to share it with anyone and maybe I should have had. But the options I have are either so scarce or non-existent.
So what do I do now? I remind myself all the time. And the only answer which continuously appear is the one asking me to continue striving and hurting myself as long as I live, as long as the days go by. It is almost making me wanting to kneel down, and pray hard that this is all just a dream which I will wake up from one fateful day. And realising that day will never come is like having a thousand knives stabbing me right into the very core of my heart.
My personality cannot cope. I feel bad for everything that is happening. I feel like I am the only one fighting a lost cause and everyone else is on the other side.
It does not help feeling like you're alone in something. It hurts so much I am so afraid it'll all explode into a million fragments one day without my will.
The worst part of it all will most certainly be the part when I thought I had a fleet of people behind me versus the single odd one but it has dawned upon me that there is no me and my fleet versus the odd one. But instead, I have become the odd one now and it is me against everyone else.
It aches me to know that it was not always like this.
You do not need to go very far to fully comprehend the entire picture.
I simply do not belong.
And that pains me to the very core.
-alexeO-
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