If you really need to know

If you really need to know,

I'm lost right now.

I was happy with my new outlook on life a couple of months ago. I was set, ready, prepared to take on any obstacles through my new set of lenses I picked up. I was set, ready, prepared like a soldier in-attention waiting for his next orders. But right now, I feel and I know that I am completely.. lost.

It worked for a while, this new outlook of mine. But whether it is the denial which might have possibly taken place taking its toll, or the limits of the 'outlook', right this moment I don't know what to do, which path to take, where to step forward.

In other words, I am lost.

I never felt this unsure since almost forever. My previous outlook albeit not very positive, worked, and I had a full grip of myself and my actions. I had control. I had a direction. I had myself.

Now I'm just all over the place and astray.

I feel broken - into many pieces. Like a smashed vase on the grounds of a clean marble floor.

I felt rejuvenated with the new outlook for the first few months. But like I told a friend recently, I feel that life has lost its meaning somewhat. And it's more complex and less frightening than it sounds because whether you like to believe or not, that previous line has no suicidal implications whatsoever.

It's just that, I was so sure. Negative or not, I was sure. I knew what to do, what to expect, how to react.

I knew what to feel, how to feel, when to feel.

Now I feel like a aimless wet sponge moving reluctantly forward absorbing just about anything which appears next.

I feel unprepared. And confused. And clueless.

I don't know how to get a certain thing done until the last second.

Maybe I need to patch myself up, but if patching up means to revert, I don't think I can do it anymore.

Maybe it's the balance I'm struggling to muster.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm just not ready.



-alexeO-