The Annoying Funny Feeling

Sometimes, I just wish time would freeze as it is.

I would gladly continue being the underachieving kid I am, the kid with the unhealthy lifestyle, and all other things negative about me now as long as I get the people around me to stay and never leave me in any ways whatsoever.

I hate the fact that people have to grow old and venture into their own ways one fine day.

I hate the fact that it is unpropable that I wake up everyday feeling at ease, comforted to know that the people around you are still around you.

I hate the fact that we don't have the luxury of hanging out with the same company every single day until the day we die.

I hate the fact that we don't appreciate the people around us until they leave us.

I remember somewhat clearly one night a few years back when I was just lying on my bed before dozing off thinking about how lonely I was. It was during the time when I went to school everyday feeling like I had no one to confide to, no one who genuinely cares about me. It wasn't like I had no friends, depending on how you choose to define that term, but I felt everything was just so.. insincere.

I remember tears rolling down my cheeks after the thought struck me about how the siblings I grew up with and spent my whole childhood with were no longer a room or two away. And nothing is ever going to be the same again.

And now the feeling has crept back.

I don't know how people might take or interpret this; but I'm gonna say it anyway.

I hate the fact that I have very limited or no one around me who takes genuine concern about how or what I'm doing, no one who would reach out their hands when I am down, no one who would express gratitude for the things I do for them, no one who would show sincere concern over my feelings, over my problems, over my life.

I don't know why, but at times, I just blame whoever's responsible up there and think that this is not something I am blessed with unlike the many other people in this world.

I hate the fact that the very few people I can place my trust on are leaving or have already gone and ventured to their very own paths in life.

And that nothing is ever, going to be the same again.

We will all grow old, start working, meet new 'friends', and have other people in our lives to care about.

Sometimes, I just wish time would freeze as it is. I really do.

I am not writing this so that people can come to me and say they care or they are sincere and they love me. I also know how stupid I sound thinking like the pathetic kid whom nobody in this world loves. It is just among the many things that I feel I have to let out before I explode inside. Of course, you might not agree and accuse me of sympathy-seeking, it's your prerogative. I also understand the implication this post might have on the people who are actually affected by it. It might change things, and that is supposed to be a good thing for me. But to be completely honest, it really isn't. If anything, any change now as a resultant effect of this post would only equal to more insincerities.

It is ironic that when I actually see posts like this on other blogs, I immediately raise my eyebrow and laugh at their pathetic-ness.

I guess I can take comfort in distributing this token of redemption - now people can laugh at me, if they haven't already.

I don't know why I feel the need to be loved and cared about so badly.

I don't know why I feel so freaking deprived of everything.

I don't know where other people are getting their support pillars from.

I don't know why I feel so fking miserable, almost all the fking time.



-alexeO-