I'm emotional and I like it that way

2 days of returning to uni had sadly revived the unwanted miserable memories of the previous year I thought and hoped wouldn't return.

The lack of confidence when communicating and the ultra-thin skin I have are among the memories I hoped would never ever haunt me again.

It is weird because I realised that when I step into the grounds of my campus, I suddenly transform into this quiet figure who speaks boringly and looks extremely shy. Even talking and acting like myself to people I already knew before became so difficult it is annoying.

I was trying so hard to be myself and joke and tell lame stuff like I always do but I just cannot. I don't know why. I could feel it as I speak but I can't do anything about it. For God's sake I wasn't even talking to newly met people! They were people I hung out and partied with for the previous months who has seen the best and worst of me. WHY WAS I ACTING LIKE A TOTALLY NEW AND DIFFERENT ALEX!

I did a little mini postmortem on my situation and I came to the conclusion that it could be just the fear of doing something wrong and passing off the wrong impression to people. I seriously don't know what has gotten into me.

There must be some sort of aura-like thing in Monash which limits my socialising capabilities. Or it could be just me. My gut feeling is leaning towards the latter.

And with all of that happening, my worst fear came true.

I embarrassed myself in front of my entire lecture. Well at least I think I did la. Don't feel like sharing it out here so if you wanna know, ask me personally.

Also just so that you know, I really hate being lonely and walking alone to places most of the time. I am one who really cannot live without his friends by his side. But I have no choice because I don't have a fixed group I hang out with in my uni. I have plenty of 'hi-bye' friends but that's that. It ends there. No hanging out after class, no chilling over the weekends, no house parties. Which is quite sad, really. But blame no one but me for giving the impression to everyone that I am an anti-social geeky arrogant proud kid who sits at the corner and who probably enjoys solitary confinement.

I hate life.

Just kidding la. Life is okay but there are just so many things troubling me lah I cannot stand. I don't want to be alone yet I have no guts to approach anyone to 'hang out' with. What is wrong with me dot com.

And I don't really have no friends la. I have plenty in uni who I think will not mind my company la I think. Not perasan la ok but I really think so lo coz they are super nice people but it's just me who's staying away I guess. sigh.

Anyway, I really shouldn't be dwelling too much on my apparent 'problems' because for all you know, it may all just be bullcrap from the over-speculative me. Thus by dwelling on my probable non-existent apparent 'problems', I may worsen things by tricking my mind that all of that really is true and therefore I may go deeper into depression. *knocks head*

So that's my new resolution for this year. To avoid ranting too much on something which may not be 100% true or known yet.

Glad I got that out of my system. Phew.

*

Here's a pic of the group I have been hanging out with alot during my 4-month break.



Thanks everyone for the insurmountable amount of fun I had over the past months. The clubbing sessions and drinking parties have been alot of fun and they are good memories I would cherish for a long long time. It is just unfortunate that everyone is heading back to different parts of the world and I would not get to see them for at least another year or so. :(

Yes still got Rich, Cel, MY and myself but I still think it's not the same larh. Also not forgetting Prav, Adrian, Andy and Mike who I will also not see for a long time.

How sad.

Joe's flight is scheduled for tomorrow night(technically tonight) so I guess that's another 'party friend' crossed out of the list. =(

To Joe: It has honestly been damn fun la partying with you for the past months and thanks alot for attempting to motivate me when I was down for one short period la.. take good care and all the best in NZ dude. Don't be a loser like me ok?! Show everyone there the Joe you are to your friends here. And oh yea.. RM50 is mine hahaha.

I guess it's a long enough post to keep everyone and myself busy/inspired/motivated for a while.

Hopefully Day 3 of uni onwards would be much much better! Not that it is damn sucky now la but it really can be better I feels.

Better sleep early(like now!) to avoid being late for my 3rd class in a row.


Good night, world.




Was fun while it lasted. *tear drop*





-alexeO@around 3AM-