Ancora Imparo...

Today officially marked the final day of my first year of university.

*Cue the tears of joy, confetti and victory music*

It has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride, with overdue assignments and sleepless nights being apparent the whole year long.

I'm glad I made friends, friends who are great people, but it's unfortunate that it took me a longer time than necessary to open up, thus leaving my time spent with these people often too short and limited.

Some are even transferring to Melbourne next year, a path which I have decided not to follow immediately, but almost certainly only in the 3rd year of my course. Surprisingly enough, the seemingly introverted alexeo feels that he would somewhat miss the company of those people who did not seem to cross his mind throughout his entire period as a freshie of the University.

My course in general has been excellent. I'm a firm believer in the importance of social studies and the studies of humanities in general. And the lack of exposure towards these social theories and concepts during my schooling days being under the Malaysian system and all left me craving for more and finding the entire course very enriching and enlightening in retrospect. And I don't care what anyone says anymore because they can do and say what they like and so can I.

My decision to do what I am doing, and to study where I am at, has paid off definitely. Everyday, I look at the heaps of Engineering students gathering at the cafeteria or the library, who speak a foreign language when they suspiciously speaks in a louder tone of voice as usual to each other, and then I cannot help but feel so grateful that I am not enrolled in what I originally wanted to do. Not out of passion, but peer pressure and everything else.

This is what I like, this is what I do best. And if there's someone better than me in what I do best, then so be it. Because I know that at least if I do something with an insurmountable amount of interest and passion, the possibilities are endless and indefinite. Engineering was a decision born out of fear and insecurity. I opted for engineering subjects during my pre-u period and that year marked the end of it all for me.

"Look. This is not my thing. You cannot bear this for another 4 years at University level." I remember saying to myself.

But it doesn't matter anymore.

All of it doesn't matter anymore.

What matters is that I am here today, and no matter how much I may be moaning and groaning about my tedious workload, I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. Being the 'strange' me, the thing holding me back from doing any designing courses is the fact that it does not critically and intellectually challenge you in any way and somehow or rather, I seek those challenges in what I do.

I like people praising me for something I thought of out of much work and effort which requires one to have a deep understanding of something. I think the word here is 'scholarly.'

I am not being defensive.

*

So thank you my Monash friends, who have all graced me with the fact that the world is not the tiny cocoon I have been living in but so much more. And they all tell me this either indirectly or directly.

From them, I realised that there are many other types of people not just limited to the people I have come to know all these time before my time in University.

From them and the entire course itself, I learnt to accept other people's opinions and that I, clearly do not know everything. It's a lesson in humility. It is not to say I have been a proud person, no. But everything seems to be more.. accepting now for me.

It doesn't make sense. But I don't know how to put it into words.

The next 2 years pose tougher challenges and obstacles ahead and honestly, I am not sure if I am ready to face them. I hope I am.

I have nothing else to say.
I cannot be emo as I originally wanted because I had a sudden inspiration lost.
But point crossed, I hope.

4 months break now. Internship awaits.
Or should it be the option behind door number 3,
the rotting from home.

I can't decide. I want both a break and a productive holiday.

Maybe I'll have a little bit of both.

Maybe not at all.

I don't know.

I can't decide.


*kneels on floor and crumbles to dust*




-alexeO-