Of studying and not

I had so many things to blog about but I cannot remember most of them.
:/

Also suffering from a minor headache thx to bloody spec maths homework and my fren who is trying to teach me through the net. Sigh.

So anyway,
I've been doing my work and not dota-ing these last wat..few days or so.
It's a pretty amazing accomplishment considering I'm not a guy who studies or does he homework last year at all.

However,
with my newly-found motivation and drive,
I somehow ventured into a journey of self discovery and discovered the true reason behind one thing.

Why have I not been studying as much as I was supposed to before..
(this post is priceless to the people who often is so damn curious on how I can be so relaxed even with not studying at all)

Yes. Of course laziness is a factor.
But there's another significant factor which I think triggers the laziness to happen.

It's actually the impression I will give to the ppl around me.

All these while, I thought if I don't study or study less, ppl will not expect much from me. And that feels great.
That is because I'll basically be in a no lose situation where if I score badly, it is expected and if I surprisingly do well, it will be 2X the happiness and shock.
And that is great.

However, if I DO study hard,
I'll place this impression on ppl's mind that I will be scoring well and thus ppl naturally will expect more from me.
In that case, if I do score well, it is expected and the happiness will be so-so whereas if I somehow do badly, it is gonna be uber 23346X disappointing.

This self-discovery process is making me feel smart. ;)

Yea.
So that's the reason. I know it may sound stupid. But heck it's me. And you cannot deny the arguments behind it.
Ppl always have this impression of me of being super lazy and not doing my work.
It's true. But at least I don't make them think I will score well.
However, it has already been proven a few times that I DO surprise ppl with my results that they say I do not really deserve.
And that is great. So much better than having expected to achieve that results and just getting it. It sucks.

This thinking of mine may be some sort of a negative but I feel it is benefiting me.
I know hard work pays off but I have not actually lived to experience it yet.

As I had that so called negative thinking eversince I was very young, I never actually know where hardwork can actually put me.
So I rather play safe and don't make ppl put high hopes on me.

And hope in the end I'll be as lucky as before to achieve good results!
Which seems very unlikely this year.

That is why, for the first time in my life, I am actually TRYING to put some effort in my studies.
Yes. Me. Studies.
I'm taking a risk by studying and making ppl put up their hopes on me. I realised that the positive of this hardwork thinking is that even if I do badly, it IS gonna be super disappointing but at least ppl know that I've tried hard enough. Rox.

And it has been in so many life-achievement inspirational stories where it has shown where hardwork can actually put someone.
I feel I'm at a loss if I just want to 'play safe' this year and not study as hard to 'surprise' ppl at the end. It's a risk too big to take. I'm playing with my future here. I could do that in high school as it brought no significance but not now.

My parents obviously (I know) has seen some effort by me. At least more than last year combined. Heh. But it's just screwed up to think that I screwed up my Maths Direct Investigation thing I had yesterday and today, my IT Common Test last week and I'm quite sure the upcoming tests next week which I can just predict the results.
Those results I am getting are not doing good to my hypothesis that hard work can actually bring success. And it's actually making me feel lower than ever. But I guess all those are just the obstacles I am bound to face by choosing this path of mine.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I've transformed into a super duper hardworking Alex robot guy. No.
Not at all.
All I'm saying is I am putting slightly more effort than before in hope that it will bring me the benefit I seek.
I'm taking it step by step so the changes aren't visible but i will at least TRY now.
Don't bring Physics into the picture as I am indeed having some slight trouble with the topic. :( But once again, I shall TRY!

Why am I posting about all these which are bound to be false promises in the future you ask?
That is because, I need a reminder.
That everytime I visit this blog.. I remember about this post.
I need reminders of all sort. If you could do that favour for me that'll be great.
Just remind me about my promises and my future.
I have all sorts of reminders now. I have a Melbourne Uni manager namecard beside my computer, I have the Melbourne Uni website at my url history.. and now this post.

I've already not gamed for 2 days. And even the games I played few days back did not feel as fun as they did last time.

Slowly but surely, I hope.. like a man dying of thirst in the middle of the desert, surrounded by flocks of vultures awaiting his departure, with the rays of the sun almost literally nailing him to the hot sand...

I ..will..
reach..
my..

goal.


-alexeO-