I'm emotional and I like it that way

2 days of returning to uni had sadly revived the unwanted miserable memories of the previous year I thought and hoped wouldn't return.

The lack of confidence when communicating and the ultra-thin skin I have are among the memories I hoped would never ever haunt me again.

It is weird because I realised that when I step into the grounds of my campus, I suddenly transform into this quiet figure who speaks boringly and looks extremely shy. Even talking and acting like myself to people I already knew before became so difficult it is annoying.

I was trying so hard to be myself and joke and tell lame stuff like I always do but I just cannot. I don't know why. I could feel it as I speak but I can't do anything about it. For God's sake I wasn't even talking to newly met people! They were people I hung out and partied with for the previous months who has seen the best and worst of me. WHY WAS I ACTING LIKE A TOTALLY NEW AND DIFFERENT ALEX!

I did a little mini postmortem on my situation and I came to the conclusion that it could be just the fear of doing something wrong and passing off the wrong impression to people. I seriously don't know what has gotten into me.

There must be some sort of aura-like thing in Monash which limits my socialising capabilities. Or it could be just me. My gut feeling is leaning towards the latter.

And with all of that happening, my worst fear came true.

I embarrassed myself in front of my entire lecture. Well at least I think I did la. Don't feel like sharing it out here so if you wanna know, ask me personally.

Also just so that you know, I really hate being lonely and walking alone to places most of the time. I am one who really cannot live without his friends by his side. But I have no choice because I don't have a fixed group I hang out with in my uni. I have plenty of 'hi-bye' friends but that's that. It ends there. No hanging out after class, no chilling over the weekends, no house parties. Which is quite sad, really. But blame no one but me for giving the impression to everyone that I am an anti-social geeky arrogant proud kid who sits at the corner and who probably enjoys solitary confinement.

I hate life.

Just kidding la. Life is okay but there are just so many things troubling me lah I cannot stand. I don't want to be alone yet I have no guts to approach anyone to 'hang out' with. What is wrong with me dot com.

And I don't really have no friends la. I have plenty in uni who I think will not mind my company la I think. Not perasan la ok but I really think so lo coz they are super nice people but it's just me who's staying away I guess. sigh.

Anyway, I really shouldn't be dwelling too much on my apparent 'problems' because for all you know, it may all just be bullcrap from the over-speculative me. Thus by dwelling on my probable non-existent apparent 'problems', I may worsen things by tricking my mind that all of that really is true and therefore I may go deeper into depression. *knocks head*

So that's my new resolution for this year. To avoid ranting too much on something which may not be 100% true or known yet.

Glad I got that out of my system. Phew.

*

Here's a pic of the group I have been hanging out with alot during my 4-month break.



Thanks everyone for the insurmountable amount of fun I had over the past months. The clubbing sessions and drinking parties have been alot of fun and they are good memories I would cherish for a long long time. It is just unfortunate that everyone is heading back to different parts of the world and I would not get to see them for at least another year or so. :(

Yes still got Rich, Cel, MY and myself but I still think it's not the same larh. Also not forgetting Prav, Adrian, Andy and Mike who I will also not see for a long time.

How sad.

Joe's flight is scheduled for tomorrow night(technically tonight) so I guess that's another 'party friend' crossed out of the list. =(

To Joe: It has honestly been damn fun la partying with you for the past months and thanks alot for attempting to motivate me when I was down for one short period la.. take good care and all the best in NZ dude. Don't be a loser like me ok?! Show everyone there the Joe you are to your friends here. And oh yea.. RM50 is mine hahaha.

I guess it's a long enough post to keep everyone and myself busy/inspired/motivated for a while.

Hopefully Day 3 of uni onwards would be much much better! Not that it is damn sucky now la but it really can be better I feels.

Better sleep early(like now!) to avoid being late for my 3rd class in a row.


Good night, world.




Was fun while it lasted. *tear drop*





-alexeO@around 3AM-

Four Months Gone

The title sounds like it came from an episode of Heroes but it is actually a reality that I have to accept regardless of how much I like it or not.

My four months *cough*break*cough* as I like to see it, has come to an unfortunate end and I have honestly lost all the mood in the world to do any more learning or studying which I hope will be reverted after my first week back in Monash or so.

It freaking sucks but no matter how much I bitch or whine or complain, the reality is in fact that it is all things of the past now and I definitely knew before that this day would be coming eventually.

This.. 'end-of-holiday' emo-ness feeling thing.

I have partied so much it is unbelievable.

Even now I am struggling to construct proper sentences grammar free on this blog.

I think I've lost any remaining little intellectual brain cells I have left over the 4 months period.

I am sure there would be people boasting of how much they achieved over the previous months and how much time was so well spent for them. Something I achieved almost the total opposite sadly enough.

But I am not regretting. Oh, hell no.I believe there are good things coming out of this apparent 'lazy' 4 months I had not many people may notice but it's there I tell you. It may not be in black and white obvious but it's there.

I will perhaps write a more detailed and specific(with more flair too) account of how I spent my time during the previous months but then again, perhaps not because knowing me, I don't do what I say most of the time strangely enough.

Tomorrow(or later today rather judging by the time), I will step back into the grounds of my campus once again.

Tomorrow, I will be reborn and have a life again.

But that doesn't naturally mean it is a life I would like to have.

and you can stop rolling your eyes now.





-alexeO@3:30AM-

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

This song is damn cool in itself but this hand jig thing makes it so much cooler than it already is if it can be any more la that is.

Watch till the end thx. It gets better when the tempo increases.

Oh, another worthless opinion of mine: I also think I actually prefer the ori version of this song by Daft Punk over the Kanye West's rap version. But both is good.


Edit: Oh I just realised there's another one using bodies instead of hands which is equally as cool. You can check it out here.

Edit#2: There's a lot going on in my mind right now that I don't really know the proper decisions and directions I should make and take. I hope it is something which takes time but I seriously doubt it as it has been lingering with me for so long now I can hardly remember the first time it came. It just so happens that it is troubling me once again now. I hate being emo and all but I can't help it. I know it's annoying and many people want it to go away but believe me, so do I.

Which, probably explains the youtube-surfing I have been spending much time on visibly evident in this blog.


*coughs*




-alexeO-



-alexeO-

Replay

In a devastated world by men, the only glimpse of hope is the memory of a forgotten past.

But be careful not to let your dreams control your mind...


Something worth your time.


-alexeO-

The Confession

Sometimes, there is a fear that there is only so much one can hold inside, and at anytime, anytime at all, he will explode in a tragic and painful way.

Sometimes, one bleeds and weeps so much inside that his outside begins to wear and tear like a tried and weakened haggard man.

Sometimes, one feels that the day will come when he'll not be able to sustain the lies and deceits put forth by him through his apparent bubbly personality and cheerful smile, and the day may henceforth be the day the world crashes destructively down on him.

Sometimes, one puts his hand upon his chest and feels; a side of his mind reading and analysing his quickening pulse while another, whispers to it pleadingly like a captain trying to steady his sinking ship.

Sometimes, one wonders why.

Sometimes, one never discovers why.




-alexeO-

Guess I didn't feel like it

Happy CNY everyone.





I just got back from Melaka a few hours ago, and in another few hours time, I would be off again with another luggage bag this time to the airport. Wah I'm damn busy omgz.

To the land of the rising sun. To the land of animes and all things lala. I'm going to Japan! (TE: I would try to meet Naruto for you and get his autograph no worries)

So in case I don't see you before the Chinese New Year ends,

Happy CNY!

Save angpau for me if possible tx.



Bwhahahah.





-alexeO-

Trance-d@HardSequence 2008, Solar

I have officially been trance-d(lousy attempt at sounding cool but i like la wth).


shit quality photo

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More tomorrow(if i feel like it)!





-alexeO-

Korat City Lights

Thailand, 2007



-alexeO-

3AM

It's 3AM.

Time most people are sleeping or go to sleep.

But instead, I am here blogging.

I am somewhat sleepy but I don't feel like sleeping. Not at all. I feel that my day is uncomfortably incomplete, the dissatisfaction of not doing enough for the day echoing softly in my head.. but I did reasonably a lot today strangely enough.

I want to do something but I can't seem to find anything to do.

I cannot watch an episode of a series because I have got nothing to watch.

I cannot play my games because everyone is accusing me of playing too much and I like to prove everyone wrong because proving everyone wrong is something I like to do.

Watching TV at this time of the day feels dull and life-less.

It's 3AM, I'm bored as hell, I'm feeling restless and I have got nothing to do.

The end.


This post may seem like one of those "I was itchy, therefore I scratched myself" posts but it's actually deeper than you think it is. At least I think so.




-alexeO-