Not.

I always thought one would feel best after his or her final examinations.
After UPSR, great.
After PMR, great.
After SPM, great.

After SAM Finals? Not so great.

I really don't know.

My exams have ended but I just keep thinking about the papers I did.. ranging from Specialist Maths to ESL on the very first day.

I keep thinking how badly I think I had done for my Spec Maths where most people found it "okay" and "easier than past years" which I beg to differ.
I keep thinking about ESL because that is the only subject I can score which hopefully be able to pull up my shit total marks. But it wasn't great I feel. How much 'crap' I had written. How 'rushed' my letter was. How bad my handwriting was. How will it all affect the examiners.

Same goes to the other 3 subjects.

I am so worried.

Ironically when I arrived home just now, my grandmother looked even more happier than me.
Being a former teacher, she really wants each and every of her grandchildren to know the signficance of examinations. It's like the ultimate thing in education life for her.
So she was smiling and all and asking me whether I was relieved or not.
With an invisible shrug, I just said Yah..
But inside me, I was doubting myself all the way.

Because honestly, call me a liar whatsoever,
I am not relieved.
Not a single bit.
No relief person will keep thinking back about the papers he did.

It's not as simple as thinking whether you had done enough or not.
It's thinking to the extent that I am figuring out for EVERY single question I can remember. Whether it was sufficient to gather marks.

You see, my South Australian Matriculation Pre-U Program works like this. Each subject will be tabulated to over 20. C13,B14,B15,B16,A17,A18.. for example, A20 being the max. Then somehow or rather(it is not just simple addition for the 5 subjects), i will get a TER(Tertiary Entrance Rank) where it is over 100. That TER is wat determines the entry requirements for the courses in University.

And that haunts me because,
I don't think I am gonna get a good TER.
Which is equally humiliating both from the public opinion side and the personal side.

A course which interests me in the University of Melbourne has a TER requirement of a minimum 83.
It may be low for some but to be honest, I would be happy with an 83 and above TER.

But what if I don't achieve it?
I don't think a TER of 83 and above is possible with a D10 for Spec Maths. And that is what I think I will get. Even my Spec Maths lecturer forecasted that.
What about Physics? I was always below average. I know the scores for each subject is moderated.. not as simple as just marking the final paper and tada.. ur marks. No. It will be compared to the entire group and moderated accordingly.

But it doesn't matter anyway.
Because I am below average for both spec maths and physics.

And if I really don't get a TER of 83 and above,
not only it is a huge blow to my confidence and future ambitions,
but it also a significant blow to my reputation.

Not fame-wise, but more to 'what-people-may-think-wise'.
To not be able to score a 80 and above TER is as simple as humiliating. And that sucks.
Especially when you start asking each other 'what did u get', 'what did u get' and they all announce proudly their high double digit marks.

As far as I know,
no one I know.. not a single senior, has a TER of 83 and below.
My sister's friends... however intelligent or average they were, achieved relatively high TER. My brother, who took SAM scored 90++.

Then why should I be worried if everyone scored so high?
BECAUSE,
every year, the percentage of people scoring 80% and above is only around 20-40%.
And to think,
I am not(at least I dont think I am).
In the top 20-40% of SAM.
Really worries me.

I don't know what happened last time when people I know scored relatively good marks but I only care about how I did myself now.

And that simple logic is why,
I cannot be relieved that my exams are over.
I just will keep thinking about it again, and again, and again, question to question,

Until it finally decides to go away by itself.
Which I hope is very soon.


Is it too late to start praying?
-alexeO-