The Beast in Me

Ever wondered what it's like to feel free as hell, having zero restrictions and commanding the guts to do whatever you want, however you want to?

That's me under the influence.

People could tell you how shy or reserved I can be when I'm on a casual outing with them. If I'm like that by nature that's fine. But there are times when I feel like I'm holding back so much it makes me regret later that I actually did not say or do a certain thing after the outing has ended.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possibly the extreme fear of getting judged.

I know during my tipsy nights I'd repeatedly tell the people around me how they shouldn't "judge" me for I am not like that at all during "normal" days whatever normal mean.

That being said, I DO remember most of the things I do or say during those nights.

So does that make me less of a drunkard? I don't know. But it could imply that I just needed that little bit of 'help' to make me more 'normal'. But if the 'normal' Alex is like that then it's quite scary also but you get what I mean..

I could even consciously tell myself in my mind how much I am going to regret this the next day and every single time it's like a battlefield going in there I kid you not. One part of me telling me to just shut the fking hell up and stop. Another asking me to.. well, do the exact opposite. People might notice this ongoing conflict when they see me doing all sorts of random shit one minute and the next minute sitting down quietly trying to supress everything inside.

Believe it or not, I know it doesn't look like it, but I do tell myself to sober up during those times.

It would often be the case of a mental dialogue filled up with, "freaking sober up alex, please." Which would then be immediately followed by a performance of a dance or/AND song routine to the people around me. Great. Frikkin' hell srsly.

Most of the times, the latter side of me always wins.

And it's my fault too for I welcome it almost every single time. Because I want to feel the freedom it gives me, because I want to be able to 'breathe' every now and then.

Perhaps I should learn to control the extent in which I 'welcome' that side of me. Perhaps I too can feel the same liberty it provides me with, without letting it dominate or control me in the way it had almost every time.

That is why I like blogging. Because in the process of writing posts like this, I take another step forward in constructive self-discovery and improvement.

Or..

just stfu and have a beer, Alex.



-alexeO-