Of friendship and friends

The saddest thing about my life is not the fact that I'm short, fat and stupid. It's the fact that I just cannot get the hang of the social-life people often boast about indirectly with their whole entourage of friends.

Whatever I do, regardless of smiling more or less, I just cannot make friends that easily.

When I smile less, people think I'm unfriendly and not-approachable.

When I smile more, people think I'm a lunatic and crazy.

I don't know how to strike a balance.

Then my low-self esteem comes into play. Everytime I see a certain someone's reaction towards my actions or just towards my presence, I automatically become paranoid.

"omg. she hates me."

"omg. he thinks i'm annoying."

"omg. they must be talking about me."

I just can't help it.

It's not being 'perasan' or anything like that. Sometimes, you just feel certain things and I certainly feel it almost all the time.

So in order not to make people 'hate' me or think i'm 'annoying', I hide myself in a corner, hoping that people will not hear me talk as much thus they would hopefully not talk bad about me cause they don't know me.

The result? The 'unapproachable' boy at the corner who seems as though the whole world is his enemy.

I'm so bad at this it's not funny anymore.

I consider myself only close to people who have seen my true silly behaviours and the part of me which I do NOT show in this new, strange environment.

Therefore, I generally feel closer to my high school friends cause after being in the same class for so many years, I obviously managed to come out of my shell.

I also understand that people who do not know me as well thinks I'm annoying and rude at first impression. Yea, I may not have the most polite speaking manners but that's my way of 'tightening-the-bond' if you like. My way of socialising. That's how I talk when I'm comfortable. I don't really mean to be rude or have any bad intentions. :(

I don't even know why I'm suddenly pouring out my miseries here in this blog.

I just finished my last paper few hours ago and I should be jumping for joy and not sit down behind the screen blogging about this. :/

But I can't help it. It's bugging me. To an extent that I can't feel the happiness and relief I should feel after my exams.

This is where the ability to Mind Read comes handy.

What do people actually think of me? Especially newly-met strangers.


Hmmm.


Will I really want to know?



-alexeO-