2010 and Beyond

My flight home is in less than 24 hours but photographs and random tickets and forms of memoirs remain stamped on my wall in front of me.

My family's visit in the past week has enlightened me on various things I never thought of before particularly in the decision making of what I am going to do with my future.

I am leaving this place with an incredibly heavy heart. And if you ask me now, I still cannot confidently tell you where will I be next year.

I'm scared of growing up. Not so much the growing old and wrinkly part of it, but more of the fact that growing up often involves changes - lots of changes - and I am scared of changes.

Sooner or later, things will change, whether I want them to or not, and there's nothing I can do about it. I understand that part. But I think subconsciously, as much as I possibly could, I want to postpone that change, holding it back with whatever ounce of strength I have left.

Maybe I should embrace change. Maybe it's about taking that first difficult step, and just withstanding whatever rollercoaster of emotions that would be flooded upon me, and things will eventually become normal again.

My whole life I've not been as successful because I'm always afraid of that first step. I don't dare to take that step because I refuse and am not brave enough to face that whirlpool of uneasiness even for that couple of seconds at times. That is why I don't like raising a point in tutorials during my uni days, because I was so scared to face the awkward moment when everyone is judging me - positively or negatively - even for that couple of seconds. Even though I know a couple of seconds later the attention will not be on me anymore and the judging will dissipate in a matter of seconds.

I'm sad that I already arrived at the crossroads. I'm not sure if I followed the speedlimit on my way here because it seriously feels like I arrived too fast.

Maybe my journey was charged by a constant need to prove to people my worth along with an overthinking of life hence I never properly took the time to enjoy the ride. And now I've arrived and I cannot ever turn back.

Fortunately, all is not that bleak because at the end of the day, I know deep down inside I'm only still in my twenties, just reached there barely in fact. And there are plenty of people in the world who have led or is leading wonderful lives in their twenties. And I'm glad I'm aware of this now because come 10, 20 years time, if you see me complaining about the same thing again, feel free to slap me hard in the face.

For now, I might have made my decision of what I want to do with my life next year, but I cannot outrighly admit it now because I am not brave enough yet. But trust me I am going to.

On a related and vague sidenote, oh how easy it is to lose a person's trust and how hard it is to gain it. But like I tell most of my friends, I'll just continue doing what I do, trying to better myself each day, and things will eventually fall to place by themselves.

That's just how the world goes by.



-alexeO-