A house is not a home

I used to think that the house is the rejuvenating beacon everyone returns to after a long day out of it.

But things change. And so do the relevant discourses surrounding it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my house, and it is still the same shelter I want to return to as since that many years ago.

But recently, my house and the rest of the world outside have seemingly swap places and I no longer know where the apparent beacon of rejuvenation is anymore in my life.

It could be the amount of times I have been spending outside with my friends, and the accompanying freedom which allowed me to perform such doing which made the world outside such a comforting, stress-free place to be - a task the house normally does such a good job at.

But the past few days and maybe even weeks have seen the house transform into what many usually perceive as the world outside - hectic, chaotic and overbearingly stressful.

I come back home to the sight of various websites displaying various properties for rent in Melbourne, a rude reminder of a thing so fundamental and basic I have yet to settle. And then my mind immediately shifts to the day-by-day nearing departure date which, does not make anything feel better at all.

It is precisely at that point when I bang my head and think to myself, "what departure date? you don't even have a freaking air ticket yet."

I know it is an unhealthy norm for some people who are at fault to find blame in anything they see but I certainly have a case.

Slow-replying administrative staff, replies which do not even reply, hassling and taxing documents. The things I've done, I could have filled in application forms for 5 students at minimum.

If I have a choice, I would raise my hands in a second and say I had enough - but I don't have the luxury of choice.

So the familiar cloud looms, and I remind myself I just have to keep going. And work around it. Always work around it.

What about the things that follow AFTER? They definitely aren't exactly the simplest of things to do and the thought of all of that plus the ticking clock is squeezing my nerves and emotions into a tight bundle.

A tight, suffocating, fking hell of a bundle.

And if that is not enough, I have to help at work, my dad tells me. He didn't really say it explicitly, of course. He gave me a choice. And forced me to answer. The all-too-familiar die-die situation. I picked the obvious route. I mean, what choice did I have? The risk of facing the wrath of the feel-bad treatment versus an additional burden to my breaking back.

I sure hope my spine recovers in time before I depart to Melb. That is, IF I even depart at all.

Fk it all.

1 more month approximately before I leave..

All I want is my home back.



-alexeO-

Update

Ok, so before I slept I set my alarm at 4pm right.. thinking that I'll sleep the whole day through again.

Since even without doing anything I sleep for >12hrs from dawn till evening, I don't think I was wrong to assume that it'll be more of the same again or even longer if anything since I partied last night. (and for some reason felt extremely tipsy even though I didn't even drink excessively or anything. I dunno why! I think my tolerance getting lower. A sign of finally retiring from the clubs I think (for now)!)

But what do you know. 10.20AM I woke up from a sweet dream about Man Utd getting knocked out of the Carling Cup by Derby thus ensuring they don't win that trophy and at that time I didn't feel sleepy enough to knock myself back to bed so here I am now.

I don't think I'm feeling it as much as before anymore to be honest.

It's hard for me these days to step out of a club thinking, "oh hey that was well worth the money!"

I do enjoy myself la but maybe it's time to get more serious in this last month I have in Malaysia before I leave to the land down under. I want to be healthy!

And bloody Monash giving me a headache. WTF MAN SERIOUSLY THEIR ADMINISTRATIVE STAFF OVER THERE. seriously pissing me off.

Can't wait to get it over and done with. This feels like an assignment period all over again. Bloody uncalled for.



-alexeO-

heh

I didn't even drink alot lor




-alexeO-

two zero zero nine

Hi folks.

This was my 2008 "New Year" Resolutions list:

To have a better body clock

To participate more among friends

To socialise better

To be less cowardly

To live a healthier lifestyle


Throughout the first six months of 2008, I noticed how miserably I fared in my so-called resolutions for 2008 so I came out with a brand new list I proudly call as my "Mid-Year" Resolutions sometime in June:

To be far less self-conscious when it comes to interacting with other people.

To participate in tutorials. Despite whether I have anything extra-intelligent to say or not.

To not be late for assignment submissions. And if, I repeat IF, possible, start early.

To study harder and be more diligent in my studies. :(

To start more Hellos.

To participate in clubs and societies.

Improve body clock.

To hit the gym more often.


To be fair, 2008 was underachievement at its peak. Ok maybe not peak but it is certainly up there in terms of non-achievements and all that bullshit that comes along with it.

When I realised sometime during the last few days of 2008(which was a few days ago) that 2009 was looming, I did not know what to feel. 2008 came and went just like that. I felt indifferent. It felt like everything was just the same. No chapter to close, nothing to feel thankful for.

There was nothing to feel a sense of closure for. It was like nothing happened. It was like I slept the whole year through. A year which was... void, really.

Maybe there are the tiny minute things which I've done and can feel proud of.. but I dunno why.. I normally breathe a sigh of relief or something similar when the year comes to and end but not this year............ today, the 1st of Jan, 2009 feels just like another day in underachieving 2008.

That being said, let's take a look and grade my resolution for 2008 I made late the year before last and early last year:

To have a better body clock

To participate more among friends

To socialise better

To be less cowardly

To live a healthier lifestyle


Point 1 failed obviously. Point 2 debatable. Point 3 hm not bad. Point 4 not too bad. Point 4.. borderline fail.

Now let's take a look at my more specific mid-year resolution for 2008:

To be far less self-conscious when it comes to interacting with other people.

To participate in tutorials. Despite whether I have anything extra-intelligent to say or not.

To not be late for assignment submissions. And if, I repeat IF, possible, start early.

To study harder and be more diligent in my studies. :(

To start more Hellos.

To participate in clubs and societies.

Improve body clock.

To hit the gym more often.

Interesting.

Point 1 debatable not bad. Point 2 fail. Point 3 fail. Point 4 er, fail. Point 5 lol fail. Point 6 hahaha borderline pass. Point 7 fail. Point 8 fail.

Ok.

My resolution for 2009 is simple.

Firstly is of course to better and achieve the resolutions I failed the year before.

And secondly and most importantly, to be determined enough to complete the things I set out to do the whole year through.

Happy new year 2009 folks.



-alexeO-