I'm emotional and I like it that way

2 days of returning to uni had sadly revived the unwanted miserable memories of the previous year I thought and hoped wouldn't return.

The lack of confidence when communicating and the ultra-thin skin I have are among the memories I hoped would never ever haunt me again.

It is weird because I realised that when I step into the grounds of my campus, I suddenly transform into this quiet figure who speaks boringly and looks extremely shy. Even talking and acting like myself to people I already knew before became so difficult it is annoying.

I was trying so hard to be myself and joke and tell lame stuff like I always do but I just cannot. I don't know why. I could feel it as I speak but I can't do anything about it. For God's sake I wasn't even talking to newly met people! They were people I hung out and partied with for the previous months who has seen the best and worst of me. WHY WAS I ACTING LIKE A TOTALLY NEW AND DIFFERENT ALEX!

I did a little mini postmortem on my situation and I came to the conclusion that it could be just the fear of doing something wrong and passing off the wrong impression to people. I seriously don't know what has gotten into me.

There must be some sort of aura-like thing in Monash which limits my socialising capabilities. Or it could be just me. My gut feeling is leaning towards the latter.

And with all of that happening, my worst fear came true.

I embarrassed myself in front of my entire lecture. Well at least I think I did la. Don't feel like sharing it out here so if you wanna know, ask me personally.

Also just so that you know, I really hate being lonely and walking alone to places most of the time. I am one who really cannot live without his friends by his side. But I have no choice because I don't have a fixed group I hang out with in my uni. I have plenty of 'hi-bye' friends but that's that. It ends there. No hanging out after class, no chilling over the weekends, no house parties. Which is quite sad, really. But blame no one but me for giving the impression to everyone that I am an anti-social geeky arrogant proud kid who sits at the corner and who probably enjoys solitary confinement.

I hate life.

Just kidding la. Life is okay but there are just so many things troubling me lah I cannot stand. I don't want to be alone yet I have no guts to approach anyone to 'hang out' with. What is wrong with me dot com.

And I don't really have no friends la. I have plenty in uni who I think will not mind my company la I think. Not perasan la ok but I really think so lo coz they are super nice people but it's just me who's staying away I guess. sigh.

Anyway, I really shouldn't be dwelling too much on my apparent 'problems' because for all you know, it may all just be bullcrap from the over-speculative me. Thus by dwelling on my probable non-existent apparent 'problems', I may worsen things by tricking my mind that all of that really is true and therefore I may go deeper into depression. *knocks head*

So that's my new resolution for this year. To avoid ranting too much on something which may not be 100% true or known yet.

Glad I got that out of my system. Phew.

*

Here's a pic of the group I have been hanging out with alot during my 4-month break.



Thanks everyone for the insurmountable amount of fun I had over the past months. The clubbing sessions and drinking parties have been alot of fun and they are good memories I would cherish for a long long time. It is just unfortunate that everyone is heading back to different parts of the world and I would not get to see them for at least another year or so. :(

Yes still got Rich, Cel, MY and myself but I still think it's not the same larh. Also not forgetting Prav, Adrian, Andy and Mike who I will also not see for a long time.

How sad.

Joe's flight is scheduled for tomorrow night(technically tonight) so I guess that's another 'party friend' crossed out of the list. =(

To Joe: It has honestly been damn fun la partying with you for the past months and thanks alot for attempting to motivate me when I was down for one short period la.. take good care and all the best in NZ dude. Don't be a loser like me ok?! Show everyone there the Joe you are to your friends here. And oh yea.. RM50 is mine hahaha.

I guess it's a long enough post to keep everyone and myself busy/inspired/motivated for a while.

Hopefully Day 3 of uni onwards would be much much better! Not that it is damn sucky now la but it really can be better I feels.

Better sleep early(like now!) to avoid being late for my 3rd class in a row.


Good night, world.




Was fun while it lasted. *tear drop*





-alexeO@around 3AM-

Four Months Gone

The title sounds like it came from an episode of Heroes but it is actually a reality that I have to accept regardless of how much I like it or not.

My four months *cough*break*cough* as I like to see it, has come to an unfortunate end and I have honestly lost all the mood in the world to do any more learning or studying which I hope will be reverted after my first week back in Monash or so.

It freaking sucks but no matter how much I bitch or whine or complain, the reality is in fact that it is all things of the past now and I definitely knew before that this day would be coming eventually.

This.. 'end-of-holiday' emo-ness feeling thing.

I have partied so much it is unbelievable.

Even now I am struggling to construct proper sentences grammar free on this blog.

I think I've lost any remaining little intellectual brain cells I have left over the 4 months period.

I am sure there would be people boasting of how much they achieved over the previous months and how much time was so well spent for them. Something I achieved almost the total opposite sadly enough.

But I am not regretting. Oh, hell no.I believe there are good things coming out of this apparent 'lazy' 4 months I had not many people may notice but it's there I tell you. It may not be in black and white obvious but it's there.

I will perhaps write a more detailed and specific(with more flair too) account of how I spent my time during the previous months but then again, perhaps not because knowing me, I don't do what I say most of the time strangely enough.

Tomorrow(or later today rather judging by the time), I will step back into the grounds of my campus once again.

Tomorrow, I will be reborn and have a life again.

But that doesn't naturally mean it is a life I would like to have.

and you can stop rolling your eyes now.





-alexeO@3:30AM-

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

This song is damn cool in itself but this hand jig thing makes it so much cooler than it already is if it can be any more la that is.

Watch till the end thx. It gets better when the tempo increases.

Oh, another worthless opinion of mine: I also think I actually prefer the ori version of this song by Daft Punk over the Kanye West's rap version. But both is good.


Edit: Oh I just realised there's another one using bodies instead of hands which is equally as cool. You can check it out here.

Edit#2: There's a lot going on in my mind right now that I don't really know the proper decisions and directions I should make and take. I hope it is something which takes time but I seriously doubt it as it has been lingering with me for so long now I can hardly remember the first time it came. It just so happens that it is troubling me once again now. I hate being emo and all but I can't help it. I know it's annoying and many people want it to go away but believe me, so do I.

Which, probably explains the youtube-surfing I have been spending much time on visibly evident in this blog.


*coughs*




-alexeO-



-alexeO-

Replay

In a devastated world by men, the only glimpse of hope is the memory of a forgotten past.

But be careful not to let your dreams control your mind...


Something worth your time.


-alexeO-

The Confession

Sometimes, there is a fear that there is only so much one can hold inside, and at anytime, anytime at all, he will explode in a tragic and painful way.

Sometimes, one bleeds and weeps so much inside that his outside begins to wear and tear like a tried and weakened haggard man.

Sometimes, one feels that the day will come when he'll not be able to sustain the lies and deceits put forth by him through his apparent bubbly personality and cheerful smile, and the day may henceforth be the day the world crashes destructively down on him.

Sometimes, one puts his hand upon his chest and feels; a side of his mind reading and analysing his quickening pulse while another, whispers to it pleadingly like a captain trying to steady his sinking ship.

Sometimes, one wonders why.

Sometimes, one never discovers why.




-alexeO-

Guess I didn't feel like it

Happy CNY everyone.





I just got back from Melaka a few hours ago, and in another few hours time, I would be off again with another luggage bag this time to the airport. Wah I'm damn busy omgz.

To the land of the rising sun. To the land of animes and all things lala. I'm going to Japan! (TE: I would try to meet Naruto for you and get his autograph no worries)

So in case I don't see you before the Chinese New Year ends,

Happy CNY!

Save angpau for me if possible tx.



Bwhahahah.





-alexeO-

Trance-d@HardSequence 2008, Solar

I have officially been trance-d(lousy attempt at sounding cool but i like la wth).


shit quality photo

.
.
.


More tomorrow(if i feel like it)!





-alexeO-

Korat City Lights

Thailand, 2007



-alexeO-

3AM

It's 3AM.

Time most people are sleeping or go to sleep.

But instead, I am here blogging.

I am somewhat sleepy but I don't feel like sleeping. Not at all. I feel that my day is uncomfortably incomplete, the dissatisfaction of not doing enough for the day echoing softly in my head.. but I did reasonably a lot today strangely enough.

I want to do something but I can't seem to find anything to do.

I cannot watch an episode of a series because I have got nothing to watch.

I cannot play my games because everyone is accusing me of playing too much and I like to prove everyone wrong because proving everyone wrong is something I like to do.

Watching TV at this time of the day feels dull and life-less.

It's 3AM, I'm bored as hell, I'm feeling restless and I have got nothing to do.

The end.


This post may seem like one of those "I was itchy, therefore I scratched myself" posts but it's actually deeper than you think it is. At least I think so.




-alexeO-

A lousy friend (and person in general)

I'm sorry for not participating enough as a friend and doing things friends do together.

I truly am sorry. If it actually matters to you, I am trying.

Thanks for still bothering and caring, though.

There are 2 different circumstances, both of which I am deeply sorry for.


I love vague posts like this.


*

New Year Resolutions(2008) - January Progress Checklist:

To have a better body clock [FAILED]

To participate more among friends [FAILED]

To socialise better [FAILED]

To be less cowardly [FAILED]

To live a healthier lifestyle [FAILED]

No, it doesn't underline my non-existent failure status.

*



-alexeO-

My internet is working perfectly fine again

My eyes are sore and itchy and red, again.

I desperately need a shave.

and a haircut.

again.




-alexeO-

Why.

I cannot connect to Windows Live Messenger.

Why.

I can also only go to random gay sites like Google and Facebook and this Blogger site.

Sites which aren't so internationally-based like Teamtalk and other sporting websites I cannot access.

I cannot play my online game.

All because my itchy hands restarted my modem and computer yesterday night in hopes of getting a smoother connection. Not that it was lagging but you get the point.

It happened before but the next morning after that night it worked again. But this morning was the 'next morning' and it still didn't work.

I don't know what to do.

I don't even know what to tell the TMNet people if I call up for technical assistance. I can only access some websites? I cannot log on to Messenger? So weird.

So yes, my life probably revolves around the computer and the Internet and I would also say that my life is virtually taken away from me now that this has happened.

and this does not serve me right.

I don't deserve anything like this.

No one does.



-alexeO-

Lifeless son of a ..

An entire week long after my previous post, I'm blogging once again from the exact same seat, exact same computer, exact same spot.

I sounded as though I have been working tremendously hard for the past week but in actual fact, I really didn't.

In fact, I didn't even come to work every single day I was supposed to for the past week. :|

I have not been blogging only because there is nothing to blog about.

The only highlight of last week would probably be the drinking party I attended which got me somewhat tipsy, which I also later realised was relatively equivalent to NIL in the 'drunk scale' after noticing a passed out man sleeping in his car at the traffic lights when I was driving home.

I was approaching the lights from some distance away when I noticed the car, engine off (I'm assuming, because his head and rear lights weren't on) not moving when the lights were green. The traffic light turned red as I reached the junction(as usual) and I was smart enough to move into a different lane from the car as obviously if he didn't move before, he was never going to move anytime soon with his lights not on and all that. Then I saw the passed out man.

I was thinking if I should be a good Samaritan and honk and wake him up or what if he was some car robber who pretends to be asleep and robs people who tries to help him. Don't anyone dare blame me for being so suspicious. In the state of our country today, anything is possible.

So I just drove off hoping that if he was indeed an innocent passed out man sleeping in his car, he would safely reach the walls of his home and if he isn't the innocent man I ought to put him to be before I misled myself, pat myself at the back for being so streetwise. *grins*

I realised I get easily addicted to things which don't require much energy, work or strength.

Computer games are a good example.

I really should find a better hobby.

Scrabble, perhaps? Anyone?



-alexeO-

All in a day's work.

I'm blogging from an office now.

Don't laugh.

I was forcefully pulled here by my family members. Gaaah! Apparently, I have been sleeping too much at the wrong times of the day and not working enough. *rolls eyes*

The optimistic side of me will feel that at least it's not working for some other random bunch people whom I duno. At least it's 'working' for people who are related to me, right right right??

Doing some gay data entry thingy which sucks because there is so damn many/much stuff to be keyed-in in different different columns and blanks and all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *screams*

thinking about it also headache.

I'm getting a leave tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHHA. FIRST DAY OF WORKING GET LEAVE NEXT DAY.

I pwn.

*

A darker side of the picture would have me thinking of how crappy my current situation is on the sole fact that I have recently started playing a new MMORPG (a game genre which you are to walk around controlling a hero with unique abilities and level up by killing monsters and doing quests).

And to think that the amount of time spent here... how much experience I would have gained to level up.......................

nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I can't imagine I'd say this but...


.. back to work.



T__________________T






-alexeO-

Richmond's 19th @ Tony Roma's, The Curve

And so, bla bla bla everyone met up and we ate/caught up/celebrated Richmond's bday in the Curve on the night of January 3 2008. It was also the last dinner TE had with us before he departed to the States. T____T



*

Wah. damn lazy to post out the pictures individually one by one. so here they are altogether:


Clockwise from Top Left: Shyan + Sheera, Chrisanne + TK, Richmond, TE


Clockwise from Top Left: TE + Shyan, TE's other half - TK, Prav + Joseph + Richmond, HK


Top: Sam, Chrisanne, TK, Kelvin
Bottom Clockwise From Top Left: What Richmond had, TK's masterpiece, a refreshing drink, a refreshing drink #2
Middle: Birthday Cake which reads "Happy Birthday. Godlike!" (dota inside joke)


Angled.


Huey Shyan deserves a frame to herself.


What I had - which was okay.


Birthday boy and I.

*

More in 'here' if you're interested.

I had been thinking of whether to blog of a particular subject topic for the past few days hence the delay of this post. I shall think about it again later while I lie on my bed before I doze off like I always do. My personal self-reflection time which I tend to overuse.

Ok. Arsenal kicked-off 5 mins ago. ciao.




-alexeO@3:50am-

2008 Countdown @ Bukit Jelutong

The countdown to this year for me didn't involve any heavy partying + booze or even come to think of it.. a countdown even omgz.

Teck Kuan and some others instead organised a bbq party cum mini high school gathering in a park somewhere in Bukit Jelutong. It wasn't exactly 'happening' but (coming from someone who is very flexible and doesn't get bored easily - yes, it's true), I found it nice that I got to meet the people whom I have not met for quite some time now and catch up on things. Nice isn't exactly a good adjective to use in this context but what the heck.

It was a coin toss between a party in Curve or this gathering but I chose the latter as I already partied in Curve last year and I wanted to take a diff approach this time around to welcome the New Year cause I am one who like trying new things hoho.

Ok I bet everyone is getting damn bored already reading all this shit so here are some photos I took of that night. Yay I love long sentences.

Photos below are self-explanatory.





We had our own fireworks yes it's true. Besides the stunning visual display of fireworks, the one thing which really excites me in a non-erotic way about fireworks is the loud bang resulting from the explosion when it hits the skies. ah.

Random photos of people who went:


TK, Kim, TE, YY. TK pls stop closing your eyes in photos thx.


Tk and Cez



Clockwise from Top Left: TK, Sheera, Allen, Prav, Adrian, Kelvin


Gaya charcoal pit(is that what you call it)


Prav, TE, YY, JX, Cez, KW


Richmond with a paper plate, Sheera


Me, my messy hair and my clubbing kakis bwahaha.


Shot #1


Shot #2. noob.


Y do I look so shy and extra fat here hahaha.


Kim: Alex, enough laaaar.


Haris at far left. Adrian looking very happy.


A pic with me in it. They're rare. Cherish them.


KY at far left. Posers galore.


The only pic I really like from that night.


And that adds up to less than half of the total amount of photos I took that night. They're more in the Countdown 2008 album I posted on Facebook(if you're interested).

The reason why I said there wasn't any countdown was because I was randomly taking photos of random people and the next thing I know, someone lighted up the fireworks and it was then when I only realised it was 12am. Zzz. so potong stim one. And got abit of liquor lar. Which explains why some people look high high dei in the photos but we didn't really consume much. At least I didn't.

Wow it has been a while since I filled up a post with that many photos from an event.

Took damn long omgz.

For now, I am currently running late to attend a dinner in the Curve(yes we got no where else to go one), so I guess that's it.



-alexeO@7.30pm-

Hello.

Hello New Phone.


Nokia N81: the next episode. Loving every metallic-smooth-sexy inch of it.


Hello New Lens.


Sigma 18-200mm. Very impressive.


Hello relatively New Shoes.


My Pumas hoho


Hello New Arsenal Windbreaker/jacket which I saw Assistant Manager Pat Rice wearing at the match a few hours ago thus making it truly freaking awesome.


Ooh, to be a Gooner.


Hello New Year.


This shot didn't do the fireworks justice. Still a noob pls forgive me.


And last but not least, hello to 'you-must-have-noticed-by-now', my blue-ish new blog template.


A fresh new look for a fresh new year. Will take some getting used to I reckon. Hoho.

*

I have many new things for the new year. And I am a happy kid. Or at least I should be.

This is not a braggy post. I am not bragging. I am not a braggy kid. And you know it.

Shit. Super defensive. Why do I always feel the need to justify everything to everyone??!!

Ok from now on I post what I like(braggy or not) and your opinions shan't affect what I say. *beams*

._.

Erm, New Year Resolutions of mine include having better sleeping habits which I have yet to start working on, and to be less insecure.

2008 omgz. It's finally sinking in!


*drowns in a pool of anxiety*





-alexeO@4:22am-

test

test

Goodbye, 2007

Final day of the year.

*insert something cliche here*

.
.
.

On a serious note,


*pulls red carpet out for 2008*


2007 has been reasonably okay but there were definitely some bitchy times. Hope next year's better.


.
.
.


y can't think of anything to say one wtf.

i ate kajang satay today.




-alexeO-

A reason to be jolly

So I clubbed last night after a long hiatus from the clubs and the night started off slowly but got better towards the end. Maison saturday damn empty omgz compared to Thursday.

But I was also the driver last night therefore I couldn't really drink alot so I was reasonably pretty much reserved last night therefore not much expression on my part. Which sucks obviously considering I am a very shy person by nature. *giggles*

So the obvious things to look forward to in the upcoming days would be Christmas, and the New Year. And i haven't even started working or finding a job yet. Damn sad. Another promise broken. I'll mark that in my new year resolution list. How apt the timing of certain things are. Perhaps I could start working next year. Perhaps not.

A lot of my friends are back from overseas and I reckon we should make full use of it and go out as much as possible together. Afterall, it has been a dead many months with very little people to hang out with here when everyone was away. Mini-gathering soon, perhaps?

Going out to shop for Christmas gifts very soon. Another season of splashing the cash. :/





Merry Christmas everyone!



-alexeO-